It’s Thursday April 10th 2014. I just woke up maybe about a half hour ago. I’m still very sleepy. I didn’t get much sleep last night. It was going on one o’clock in the morning when I shut down my computer and went upstairs. I didn’t go straight to bed. I had to go take a bath in preparation for sex I did not want. I actually had a very nice bath. I didn’t want to get out of the bath actually. The water was so warm. I felt so relaxed. I could have fallen asleep in the bath but then, as you can imagine, I probably would not be alive to write this letter today.
I guess by the time I made it to bed last night it was well after one o’clock in the morning; and I didn’t manage to escape the sexual activity. My husband pounced on me immediately; and it wasn’t a particularly pleasant experience for me. It went on for a little bit. I tried to endure it but eventually I had to ask him to continue later. Sometimes I do that hoping later will never happen; but later always happens. Later sometimes happens multiple other times throughout the night and that means I get very little sleep. If I went to bed at two o’clock last night that means I got 4 hours of sleep at the most because I’ve been awake since six o’clock this morning. And this is pretty much the standard. For going on almost a decade now 5-6 hours of sleep at night has been my average. Some people say 6 hours of sleep is enough; but I don’t know if that’s true. Yeah, I’ve managed to get by on that amount of sleep; but it’s taken a toll on my appearance; and it’s taken a toll on my mental health; and it certainly plays havoc with my emotions particularly at times when I have extra stress to deal with in my life.
Anyway, yesterday was a weird day for me. I plan to try to recover today. I have a lot of work to do where that is concerned. I have a lot of self talk in which I will need to engage to get certain thoughts and feelings out of my system. I’m still feeling depleted of emotional energy, but I think a lot of that is attributable to lack of sleep. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about the husband and the sex and all that stuff. I mean, I’m not happy about the way things are; but I don’t know if I have any legitimate reasons to feel resentful and irritated and disgusted and fed up and all those things I feel. I mean, my husband didn’t really do anything to me. I just don’t like his way, but that’s my issue. His way is his way. He is who he is. The responsibility is mine to either learn to accept who he is and live with his ways or to leave if I find that I can’t accept who he is and I can’t live with his ways. People don’t have to change to accommodate us. We have to accept them or not be involved with them if we can’t accept them.
I really need to get on top of my health. I need to be getting more sleep. I need to be drinking more water. I need to be trying a little harder to stay focused on my goals. I need to worry less about some of the things over which I allow myself to get upset. I need to start doing more and thinking less. Being a “deep thinker” is a good thing in many ways, but there is a danger in losing perspective of what “is” when you go too deep. Yes, there are layers and layers and layers under the surface of everything and everybody; and what “was” impacts on what “is”; but what was is past and it’s the “what is” that’s at issue, so it’s not always necessary to dig beneath the surface trying to figure out how something ended up being what it is. Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are.
So I think I’m going to do myself a favor today and try to keep my focus on the things I need to get done and stop worry about what may or may not be going on with this or that person. I need to take care of myself. I keep worrying about everybody else when they are not worrying about me. And they shouldn’t be worrying about me. They should be worrying about themselves–taking care of themselves. That is the way it should be. And what’s ridiculous about me getting all worked up about the way of life and how unfair it can be is that the people on whose behalf I get upset are more balanced than I am as is evidenced by the fact that they have normal lives. I’m the one with mental and emotional problems. I need to be fully focused on fixing me.
