With everything that’s going on as far as the ovarian or other cancer possibilities that have brought me to the point of no longer being able to avoid getting a hysterectomy, things have been a bit unsettled in my life. I’ve been trying the best I can to keep calm and carry on as normally as I can manage. I’m mostly succeeding so far, but throughout the day I have moments of fright and panic.
Yesterday started out being a little difficult. I woke up before 4 o’clock in the morning and had to struggle to get my emotional energy at a functional level. I did eventually get to a point of feeling just fine. It was a nice sunny day. I took a bath, got dressed, got some work done. I even managed to step out for a walk with my son.
But at some point during the evening I began to feel a little ill. I don’t usually experience heartburn and indigestion, but I was experiencing something that felt a little bit like that last night. Of course that’s something they say women with ovarian cancer experience so needless to say, my fears and worries began to rise and I could no longer keep up my spirits. I went to bed and soon fell asleep. But not too long after I awoke feeling like I was dying. It’s hard to describe what was going on with my body. The burning sensation in my chest that I had figured was heartburn had intensified. My chest area felt like it was burning out, and before long the sensation spread down my arms and through my body. And I realized I was sweating in places.
Panic began to rise anew. With my mind already on ovarian cancer, I immediately thought this was the proof that I do in fact have it and that it’s at a serious stage. With a heavy heart I crawled out of bed and went downstairs. My husband was downstairs watching television. I sat in the corner on the other couch and told him I didn’t feel well.
After a little while I began to feel better. We went upstairs to bed. And that’s when it occurred to me that I might have just experienced my first real intense level hot flash. This past year I’ve had episodes of feeling very hot and flushed even when it’s been cold to everyone else. I thought those were hot flashes I was experiencing. And maybe they were, but just mild ones. The one I experienced last night was the real deal hot flash. Since getting up today I’ve done some digging around and I’m pretty much convinced of it. What I don’t know and what I don’t want to know, is if hot flashes also happen when you have ovarian cancer. So far I can’t remember seeing that listed under symptoms of ovarian cancer. So I want to believe that it’s menopause related.
At least to help myself get through the day I will continue to believe that the symptoms I’m experiencing are indications that I am near the beginning of officially entering menopause. Of course a hysterectomy with the removal of my ovaries will make menopause official even if I’m wrong that I am about there naturally. So I am going to be in menopause presumably by the end of February anyway.
At the present moment I’m feeling a lot calmer. I’m trying to have the right kind of conversations going on in my head. I said recently that I was ready to grow up and own my age. Well, this is my chance to begin that process.
Peace to all.