Since about 2005 I have had a problem sleeping. Maybe it started before 2005 but I became aware of it in 2005. My life changed suddenly and dramatically in 2005. I can’t go into details about what happened because I’m still so ashamed that the choices I made in selecting a life partner put me in that situation in the first place and I am still with the same individual; but that’s not really the point of this.
I woke up at 4AM this morning. This has been the pattern since 2005. I will wake up between 2 AM and 4 AM with a feeling of complete and utter dread and hopelessness. Like I said this started in June 2005 when my life underwent an abrupt change that was very traumatic for me. The problem has since remained. I do manage to get some sleep on occasion but for the past 7 years I really haven’t been sleeping well.
It’s only now writing about this that it dawns on me there could be a link between the traumatic experience I suffered in June 2005 and the mental and emotional strains I was suffering in the years before that and have been suffering since, and the development of this problem with fibroids. For sure I know that the fibroids began to develop in 2005; but I thought my body was just changing and taking on the shape they say women get after a certain age. I didn’t realize it was tumors growing inside me.
I had noticed that my previously flat lower abdomen wasn’t flat anymore and no amount of exercising was helping to flatten it. I figured it was just life and so I put away my form fitting tops and modified my style to suit the change in my body. At that point the bump was still tiny so I could hide it easily enough. It wasn’t until about 2007 that the fibroids really started to grow; and interestingly enough it was in 2007 that I got back with my husband after being apart from him since 2005.
I think it was in May 2007 that I felt something hard and lumpy in my lower abdomen one day while I was lying on the floor doing crunches. I could be mistaken about the year but I think it was May 2007; and by the end of the year the fibroids had grown to a size that were, according to the doctor, too large to remove via any other means but a hysterectomy.
In my years of being unable to sleep through the night, it was always because of this unsettling feeling in my body starting in my throat in spreading through my stomach. I don’t know the right words to describe it, but it was (is) like there’s something toxic in my body and starts moving around in the middle of the morning when I’m asleep and it plays with my mind until I wake up feeling heavy with depair, unsettled both physically and mentally, feeling like I’m choking, like the core of me is filled with toxic air and my mind is just sinking in unbearable depression. In those moments I’ve often felt like I wanted to die, like I just couldn’t do it anymore. Usually after I’ve been awake for a little while it passes, but this is what I’ve suffering for the last 7 years.
I don’t know if there is a corelation between lack of sleep and fibroids. I’m inclined to think there is a corelation between fibroids and lack of sleep, like fibroids can affect your ability to sleep soundly; but what impact might lack of sleep have on helping fibroids to grow in the first place or what impact can lack of sleep have on impeding your progress as you try to get rid of your fibroids? I’d be curious to find out.
Certainly I know it’s not good for my overall health that I’ve been getting between 4 – 6 hours of sleep on average since 2005.