This post was originally started on August 25th and was originally titled “The Rose”. I started it but didn’t finish it and haven’t written an update since. I’ve been a bit under the weather. Not feeling very motivated. I’m back at that time of the month so my fibroids are ugly today. I’ve been feeling particularly ugly lately. I’ve fallen off track with everything. I woke up early today feeling sick to my stomach the way I do when the fibroids are bursting with life. I had made a decision to avoid solids for the entire month of September; but it’s September 6th and I haven’t yet started the process. I’ve just not been feeling like trying anymore. Everything seems pointless. I’m starting to think that no matter what I do I will always end up right where I am at this moment or someplace worse. I am beginning to seriously doubt that it’s possible to win this battle — not just the battle with the fibroids but the battle with life in general. I am beginning to believe that I cannot change my life and change will only occur when life forces it upon me in some unpleasant way.
The original post
It’s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance. It’s the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance…
I was listening to Bette Midler singing “The Rose” yesterday while I was dancing. Music can trick you into thinking and feeling things. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Sometimes not so much. Yesterday came and went. I did a little work on a fashion blog that I own which I am trying to use to help me generate some income. It’s not pulling anything so far which is quite frustrating. I was supposed to do some work on some of my other websites but I never got around to it. I have a handful of websites that I own. I used to make my money creating websites for people and creating WordPress Themes and WordPress plugins; but that became too stressful. Enough money was coming in for me to live on, but not enough for me to hire help so I had to do everything myself and it just got to be too much. I sold away the rights to everything I had created and decided to try my hand at running websites instead of building them for other people; but the money just isn’t coming yet. I am lucky to make a couple of hundred dollars per month across my small portfolio of websites. It can be quite frustrating and depressing. So anytime I can lose myself in something that fills me up despite my present circumstances it’s a good thing.
I had fun dancing yesterday. I usually record myself and take photographs for my own amusement and also for the sake of my self esteem. I know some people would define that as the kind of vanity that forms the basis of narcissism; but whatever. I have to keep myself entertained or else I’ll go crazy. I’ll probably go crazy anyway but hopefully I have a little while.
Continued September 6th 2014
I’ve been having a difficult time keeping myself motivated these past few weeks. Nothing particularly stressful is going on in my life but I’ve been falling apart on the inside. I think when I wake up every morning and check to see if I’ve made any money from my various projects and my accounts show the same status as the day before I get more and more frustrated. I work every day of the week. While I do get up from the computer to do things around the house and take care of myself (work out, get a bath etc.), I am as guilty as my son and husband accuse of spending most of my time working. The problem is, I’m not seeing the pay off for the work that I do and I’m starting to get to a point where it’s depressing me. I’ve been stress eating and have gained some weight which has added to my overall discomfort. I’m not getting much sleep and that is also affecting my mind. I’m just not feeling great about life at the moment. I guess I should hit the reset button but I’m at a point of being fed up and frustrated with that process. When will I actually succeed at this ambition to change my life? How many times will I have to hit the reset button? Am I wasting my time? Is this it for me? Is what I am presently all that I will ever be? Am I just a permanent mess? Is it that I am fighting trying not to accept and face the reality of my failure in life? How did I go from where I was on August 25th when I started this post to where I am today September 6th? I know that I can and I should get up, dust myself off and start over. Again. But if I’m just going to fall back down again in 7 days why bother? I guess because if I don’t keep trying I’m assured nothing will ever change but if I keep trying I keep alive the possibility and hope for things to change. So here we go again…
