Home Journal My thoughts as I sit alone at 1:21AM Thursday

My thoughts as I sit alone at 1:21AM Thursday

Photo of Monica taken June 9th 2014

What’s the use of wishing you were never born? You were born. You are here. You’ve been here 43 years. Deal with it. And this wishing your life could end now thing is pretty pathetic. Sure living is hard. You’re in a lot of pain. You feel all alone. Okay. Being alone is hard; but guess what? You’re alone. Face it. Accept it. Even if you’ve always physically been around people in one way or another; mentally and emotionally you have always been alone. And the day is going to come, probably sooner than later, when you will be physically alone as well. What are you going to do then? Yeah I know your answer. That’s always your first thought. But how would you do it anyway? You don’t even have the resources to effectively terminate your own life. So aborting the act of living isn’t really an option is it? It’s not like you’re going to be stupid and do something that will only tear up your insides and cause you worse pain than the pain you’re trying to escape from.

What am I going to do? There’s no answer out there. I’m not stupid. I’m in here because there’s nothing out there. I’ve gone out and tried to find the answers out there multiple times before. There’s no answer out there.

The only thing out there are people looking to benefit in one way or another off your sorry life. Nobody gives a crap. And that’s why you’re where you are isn’t it? You’re where you are because nobody gives a crap at the end of the day. There’s nothing out there. But there’s nothing in here either. There’s no answer in here. There’s no answer in here or out there. There’s nobody out there. There’s nobody in here.

There’s only me. And I don’t have the strength to carry myself through this. It’s a misguided thought believing I’ve been carrying myself through anything. I’ve always just been a parasite. And that’s just the thing. I don’t want to be a parasite. I would rather be dead than live my life as a parasite in anybody’s life.

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My name is Monica. I have fibroids. My fibroids are large enough that they have transformed my figure into something I am still trying to learn how to live with. In the meantime while I try to learn how to live with my fibroids I am also trying every possible method I can find to try to shrink them naturally because I am afraid of the idea of a hysterectomy. I lived with fibroids from 2007 - 2016. I started documenting my experiences on this blog in 2012. On March 7th 2016 I had a hysterectomy out of concern that I might have ovarian cancer. It did not turn out that I had ovarian cancer. The cancer scare forced the hysterectomy I was trying to avoid, and so, I became fibroid free as of March 7th 2016. I will try to keep this blog up and running in the hope that it will be of some use to others going through what I went through.