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Should I quit while I’m ahead?

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monica Wednesday May 14th 2014 2

It’s Spring! Okay it’s been Spring since March; but it’s only now beginning to look like a new season in my neck of the woods. The tree outside my apartment is no longer bare. It’s like it grew leaves overnight.  tree outside apartment May 2014 Tree branches against sky backdrop may 2014 Just a few weeks ago it looked like this tree outside apartment april 2014 Tree branches against sky backdrop

Now it’s bursting with life. And here I am looking out through the blinds at my window where I can see the branches — feeling emotionally drained, unmotivated, afraid, confused, sad–wondering if I should quit while I’m ahead.

It’s a beautiful day. I don’t want to be sitting here feeling like this. I want to be happy. I want to be laughing. I want to be creating good memories; but there’s a voice in my head asking me why. What’s the point Monica? You’re going to get dementia like your grandmother anyway so what use will new memories be to you; and you don’t have too much longer before dementia strikes. You’re already halfway there. You’ve already already lost so much of your mind.

Honestly though, I don’t feel as bad right this very minute as I was feeling before I started writing this post. Something about getting up and opening the door and taking the pictures of what the tree looks like now–then looking at the pictures I took last month–it made me realize that as long as I am breathing and I have will and strength and ability, I can just keep starting over again every time. Perhaps, like the tree, falling off track is an unchangeable part of the cycle for me. I am going to keep losing my leaves. The difference is that my barren seasons won’t be predictable; and mother nature won’t step in after a few months and restore me to my thriving self. It will be up to me to decide to do what I need to do in order to get myself back on track and once decided, to actually get up and do it. The point is, I need to accept falling off track as being an inevitability–at least at this point in the process. I am going to feel like quitting–perhaps more often than I feel motivated. I am going to wake up more mornings not being able to see the point of it all than I will wake up feeling certain I know who I am and where I’m going and what the point is of everything.

Update May 14th 2014 – I started this a number of days ago. Today is actually dismal by comparison to the day I started this post. It’s cold. I am still struggling with the question “Should I quit while I’m ahead”. I know that the answer is “no”. I should not quit. Because to quit is to accept “nothing” as being what I deserve in life. And by that I don’t mean nothing in terms of material possessions. My conflict isn’t one of fighting to try to change my life with “things”. Things are nice. There are many things I would love to have; but just to be filled with a sense of joy and to have a jubilant spirit regardless if I have things or not–that will be enough for me. I want to wake up and sing and run through the living room twirling–pretending I’m a ballerina. I want to embrace the sun when it shines–go out and bask in it. It’s not about a big house and filling that big house with pretty things. I do want a house. I want a nice house; but if I die happy without a house I would prefer that to dying miserable with a house. I just want to feel joy to be alive. I want to not be afraid to live.

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My name is Monica. I have fibroids. My fibroids are large enough that they have transformed my figure into something I am still trying to learn how to live with. In the meantime while I try to learn how to live with my fibroids I am also trying every possible method I can find to try to shrink them naturally because I am afraid of the idea of a hysterectomy. I lived with fibroids from 2007 - 2016. I started documenting my experiences on this blog in 2012. On March 7th 2016 I had a hysterectomy out of concern that I might have ovarian cancer. It did not turn out that I had ovarian cancer. The cancer scare forced the hysterectomy I was trying to avoid, and so, I became fibroid free as of March 7th 2016. I will try to keep this blog up and running in the hope that it will be of some use to others going through what I went through.

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