It’s Spring! Okay it’s been Spring since March; but it’s only now beginning to look like a new season in my neck of the woods. The tree outside my apartment is no longer bare. It’s like it grew leaves overnight. Just a few weeks ago it looked like this
Now it’s bursting with life. And here I am looking out through the blinds at my window where I can see the branches — feeling emotionally drained, unmotivated, afraid, confused, sad–wondering if I should quit while I’m ahead.
It’s a beautiful day. I don’t want to be sitting here feeling like this. I want to be happy. I want to be laughing. I want to be creating good memories; but there’s a voice in my head asking me why. What’s the point Monica? You’re going to get dementia like your grandmother anyway so what use will new memories be to you; and you don’t have too much longer before dementia strikes. You’re already halfway there. You’ve already already lost so much of your mind.
Honestly though, I don’t feel as bad right this very minute as I was feeling before I started writing this post. Something about getting up and opening the door and taking the pictures of what the tree looks like now–then looking at the pictures I took last month–it made me realize that as long as I am breathing and I have will and strength and ability, I can just keep starting over again every time. Perhaps, like the tree, falling off track is an unchangeable part of the cycle for me. I am going to keep losing my leaves. The difference is that my barren seasons won’t be predictable; and mother nature won’t step in after a few months and restore me to my thriving self. It will be up to me to decide to do what I need to do in order to get myself back on track and once decided, to actually get up and do it. The point is, I need to accept falling off track as being an inevitability–at least at this point in the process. I am going to feel like quitting–perhaps more often than I feel motivated. I am going to wake up more mornings not being able to see the point of it all than I will wake up feeling certain I know who I am and where I’m going and what the point is of everything.
Update May 14th 2014 – I started this a number of days ago. Today is actually dismal by comparison to the day I started this post. It’s cold. I am still struggling with the question “Should I quit while I’m ahead”. I know that the answer is “no”. I should not quit. Because to quit is to accept “nothing” as being what I deserve in life. And by that I don’t mean nothing in terms of material possessions. My conflict isn’t one of fighting to try to change my life with “things”. Things are nice. There are many things I would love to have; but just to be filled with a sense of joy and to have a jubilant spirit regardless if I have things or not–that will be enough for me. I want to wake up and sing and run through the living room twirling–pretending I’m a ballerina. I want to embrace the sun when it shines–go out and bask in it. It’s not about a big house and filling that big house with pretty things. I do want a house. I want a nice house; but if I die happy without a house I would prefer that to dying miserable with a house. I just want to feel joy to be alive. I want to not be afraid to live.