I am still going through a bad spell with my fibroids. I was supposed to do a fast starting a few days ago but I haven’t gotten it to take yet. I’ve been in low spirits and struggling to get/stay motivated. I’ll have inspired moments throughout the day but for the most part I just haven’t been as fired up to change my life as I was when I first decided to begin my journey of self transformation.
I did manage to get out for a walk today. I went with both my son and husband; and my husband and I stopped at the volley ball courts for a few minutes. It was a fun few minutes, reminded me how much fun can be had just letting yourself go and allowing yourself to be free and playful. I was all covered up from head to toe, hardly appropriately dressed for playing volley ball. I had to wear a skirt-dress in order to be able to go out for the walk. My stomach is too big right now for any other style of clothing to work. So I threw on a long Bohemian style skirt; then I threw on a denim shirt over that. The skirt was a bit on the see-through side so I had to put on some leggings under it; and when we stepped out I found it to be a bit cold so I had to go grab a scarf. I looked a great deal like the woman in this painting I painted back in 1999. The painting was supposed to reflect how I was going to end up in life–alone and homeless.
Interestingly I titled the painting “Sanctuary”. I think I was at a place in life of believing that I belonged nowhere and so the condition of ending up alone and homeless would not be a tragedy. I would be “home” out there sitting on that bench next to that trash can. Of course 1999 was a while ago so I could be completely wrong about what the painting was supposed to reflect when I painted it. Who remembers?
But yes, I looked like an old lady wearing many layers of flowing cloth today. Not really the look I want for myself; but these fibroids have been ridiculous. I’m tempted to say that my stomach right now rivals my stomach at it’s largest ever since this whole nightmare began. Still not sure what’s going on.
Tomorrow I have to go out and I am already dreading the experience because a skirt dress with an over-shirt outfit is the only thing I’ll be able to wear with my stomach being in this condition. It’s very difficult for me to keep my cool when I feel self-conscious and although I didn’t necessary feel like an old, ugly frump when I went out for that walk today, the pictures that my son took of me and my husband playing volley ball for that brief few minutes showed plainly that I looked like an old ugly frump. I know it’s vain and pathetic to be worrying about how I’m going to look tomorrow; but hey, I’m vain and pathetic.
Maybe I’ll be lucky and my stomach will be a little less huge tomorrow than it was today and I might be able to pull off wearing the yellow top I bought last week (the one shown in the main photo) with my black jeans. I should look a lot less frumpy in that. Hopefully my black jeans can still fit comfortably.
Notes: The featured image was taken May 15 2014. The background is a picture of the George Eastman House (Museum in Rochester, New York). I took the featured picture in my own living room but wanted a more interesting living room so I photoshopped out my living room and replaced it with the picture of the George Eastman House. I took the picture in connection with a post I wrote on my fashion blog.