I decided to distract myself from my ovarian cancer concerns today by taking some pictures to illustrate one of the tricks I learned this past year for hiding a big belly.
I’ve said before that I am not particularly good with style and fashion. I run a fashion website but I don’t have a background in fashion or even much of a major interest in fashion. My interest has grown as a result of my work on the fashion website, but my fashion and style sense is still very basic. And with my body so severely altered as a result of having large fibroids, it’s been a challenge trying to figure out how to dress. But over the past year or so, I did figure some things out about hiding a big belly. One of those things is that dressing like you’re pregnant will only make you look pregnant which is what you’re trying to avoid in the first place. So my flowy skirt dresses and over-sized tops weren’t disguising my stomach at all. They were doing the exact opposite.
While there’s no way to completely hide the fact that I have a distended stomach, I have found that it’s possible to take the attention away from my stomach so that it’s not the first thing people notice. And one of the ways in which I’ve learned to do this is by accessorizing with a scarf.
By accessorizing with a scarf I am able to wear a regular size top. Adding a jacket provides even greater ability for hiding a big belly; but with a sizable enough scarf it’s possible to leave out the jacket.
This trick works best with scarves that are specifically designed to be used for accessorizing–scarves with interesting patterns and prints that are made out of a light fabric.
With everything that’s going on as far as the ovarian or other cancer possibilities that have brought me to the point of no longer being able to avoid getting a hysterectomy, things have been a bit unsettled in my life. I’ve been trying the best I can to keep calm and carry on as normally as I can manage. I’m mostly succeeding so far, but throughout the day I have moments of fright and panic.
Yesterday started out being a little difficult. I woke up before 4 o’clock in the morning and had to struggle to get my emotional energy at a functional level. I did eventually get to a point of feeling just fine. It was a nice sunny day. I took a bath, got dressed, got some work done. I even managed to step out for a walk with my son.
But at some point during the evening I began to feel a little ill. I don’t usually experience heartburn and indigestion, but I was experiencing something that felt a little bit like that last night. Of course that’s something they say women with ovarian cancer experience so needless to say, my fears and worries began to rise and I could no longer keep up my spirits. I went to bed and soon fell asleep. But not too long after I awoke feeling like I was dying. It’s hard to describe what was going on with my body. The burning sensation in my chest that I had figured was heartburn had intensified. My chest area felt like it was burning out, and before long the sensation spread down my arms and through my body. And I realized I was sweating in places.
Panic began to rise anew. With my mind already on ovarian cancer, I immediately thought this was the proof that I do in fact have it and that it’s at a serious stage. With a heavy heart I crawled out of bed and went downstairs. My husband was downstairs watching television. I sat in the corner on the other couch and told him I didn’t feel well.
After a little while I began to feel better. We went upstairs to bed. And that’s when it occurred to me that I might have just experienced my first real intense level hot flash. This past year I’ve had episodes of feeling very hot and flushed even when it’s been cold to everyone else. I thought those were hot flashes I was experiencing. And maybe they were, but just mild ones. The one I experienced last night was the real deal hot flash. Since getting up today I’ve done some digging around and I’m pretty much convinced of it. What I don’t know and what I don’t want to know, is if hot flashes also happen when you have ovarian cancer. So far I can’t remember seeing that listed under symptoms of ovarian cancer. So I want to believe that it’s menopause related.
At least to help myself get through the day I will continue to believe that the symptoms I’m experiencing are indications that I am near the beginning of officially entering menopause. Of course a hysterectomy with the removal of my ovaries will make menopause official even if I’m wrong that I am about there naturally. So I am going to be in menopause presumably by the end of February anyway.
At the present moment I’m feeling a lot calmer. I’m trying to have the right kind of conversations going on in my head. I said recently that I was ready to grow up and own my age. Well, this is my chance to begin that process.
I’m sitting here trying to maintain my focus and to not listen to the voices in my head that are trying to scare me. As I wrote in the post about the results of the CT scan that I underwent on January 20th, there are some concerns about ovarian cancer and also other cancer possibilities. Concerns are of course not saying I have ovarian cancer or other cancers; but I’m faced with an option of taking the chance that I don’t and doing nothing or going forward with the hysterectomy. I have come to the conclusion that it would be stupid of me at this point to go the “take my chances” route. If I don’t have cancer, wonderful. If I do, maybe it will be caught in time to give me a chance at a few more years of life.
Of course having the hysterectomy is going to mean no longer having fibroids. The thought of that should be exciting to me. I should be looking forward to the possibility of getting my life back in the event I don’t have cancer. After all, the main thing about which I’ve been complaining all these years has been what the fibroids have done to my body.
But I find myself feeling weird whenever I think about not having this particular problem any more. Of course the possibility exists that after the surgery, I’ll only have bigger and more serious problems to deal with. But for now I don’t know that I have cancer. I only know that it’s a possibility and that the 3 cancers that have been suggested as possibilities are serious, with one described as an “aggressive” cancer.
So why should I be sitting here feeling weird when I think about or try to imagine what life is going to be like with no fibroids? And why should I have this ridiculous sense of feeling like I don’t deserve to be fibroid free? Why do I feel as if I don’t deserve to “not” have large tumors in my body? Why would I feel as if a fibroid-free me is going to be an unreal me? Why would I want to hold on to the fibroids in order to avoid the unknown that lies ahead?
At the end of day I guess I just need to focus on trying to calm my anxieties about the surgery so that I can get to the day of the surgery and get through it. Everything else I will have to deal with when it comes. This question I’m asking myself about whether I don’t think I deserve to be fibroid free, it’s not where my mind needs to be right now. That’s a trivial concern. It’s the irrational voices in my head doing their thing; and I can’t really afford to indulge them by listening to their pointless conversation right now. This thing is no longer just about fibroids.
monica thursday morning January 21 2016 white shirt black skirt
Life goes on and so do I…
Yesterday before I saw the results of my CT scan, I setup my camera in my bedroom and took some pictures with the intention of making an effort to start developing the style and fashion section of this blog. Because I wanted to share some of the things I’ve discovered over the last year or so while I’ve been busy working as creative director and editor-in-chief of a fashion website (yes it’s mine so the titles are vanity; but hey, it’s my prerogative right?).
monica thursday morning january 21 2016
I’m not into fashion per se. I’m not a great dresser. I don’t have a lot of clothes. I’m not particularly “into” clothes and shoes and these things. So my goal isn’t to try to give style and fashion advice. I’m not qualified. But one of the most difficult parts of living with large fibroids that cause the stomach to protrude to the size of a 5 month or higher pregnancy, has been finding a way to dress that doesn’t emphasize my stomach and make me feel self conscious.
One of the things that I’ve figured out this past year is that it’s not really necessary to dress as if I’m pregnant. In fact dressing the way a pregnant lady might dress only emphasizes my stomach. For a while I was thinking I had to try to hide my stomach under flowy clothing and that I couldn’t wear small tops or anything fitted.
I’ve since discovered that even when my stomach is it’s largest, I can still wear my regular clothes.
monica thursday morning january 21 2016
I can wear skirts that button at my waist. Skirts that flare and have a bit of a pouf to them are the best (speaking for myself). And I don’t need to buy size XL tops. In fact the XL top makes me look more pregnant than the small top. It’s just a matter of layering and balancing in a way that takes the focus off your center while at the same time minimizing the bulge. There are pictures I have taken where a person might not guess what my stomach looks like in reality. Sometimes I even fool myself; but then I see other pictures that I took on the same day where you can see that I look very much pregnant.
monica thursday morning January 21 2016 white shirt black skirt
So I’m learning that I can look less pregnant by not dressing as if I’m pregnant; and with the right combination I can still look stylish. Maybe these outfits I’m modeling aren’t great examples of stylish dressing; but I do the best I can with what I’ve got. The point is: I am discovering that I’m not without options after all. Having a stomach doesn’t limit me to maternity style clothing.
So I had my appointment on the 20th, and I have been told the results yesterday (21st).
Basically I have been told that the mass in my abdomen has increased in size since the last CT Scan a year ago when I had to go to the emergency room. The way they have framed it “Although the working diagnosis for this is multiple uterine fibroids, ovarian malignancy is a concern”. Apparently there is “additional fluid in the anterior peritoneal cavity” and “apparent vascularity”. I don’t know what any of this means yet. I haven’t settled down well enough to look them up. I’ve asked to speak with the doctor; but she hasn’t returned my call as of yet. I will try to find out more once I do hear back. Specifically whether other things could cause this fluid and vascularity stuff (not as a means of continuing to try to avoid the inevitable but just to reduce the volume of the alarm bells).
The recommendation was that I needed to follow up with the surgeon they had me see last year to revisit the discussion about getting the mass removed.
I do think that this time around I must go forward with the hysterectomy. They’re not saying I have ovarian cancer; but they are saying that it’s a possibility and they will not be able to know without performing the surgery. I don’t think that I can claim to want to live and choose to take a risk that there is no cancer and so continue to refuse to do the surgery. And I want to live.
So there you have it. After all this time trying to avoid a hysterectomy, it looks like I’m going to be forced to get one in order to prevent ovarian cancer (if I don’t already have it) or hopefully to buy myself a few more years if I do.
How do I feel right now? I’m trying to stay calm. It’s not easy; but I think I’m doing reasonably well. I know that whatever lies ahead, I am going to need to be my strongest for my sake as well as for my son’s. At this present moment there is no longer a question of surgery or no. So I have to get busy re-applying for the community care program that I’m on so that I will have the funding to cover the surgery. I have to get focused on getting my anxiety under control so that I can deal with what lies ahead. I’m ready to do whatever I have to do. No looking backwards and wondering what might have been had I done this or that at this time or that time. Time to put on the suit of armor, grab the sword and the spear and go to war.
Dear mom and dad, I know I told you about this website in the past and sometimes I wonder if you stop by to visit. I’m hoping not, because I haven’t called you yet to let you know the latest developments. In case you do see this post before I’ve given you a call, I’m just not wanting to worry you, that’s why I haven’t called yet. But once I’ve had my appointment on the 3rd of February and I know what’s going to be happening going forward and when it’s going to be happening, I will call to let you know. I love you both. Thank you for being both models of strength and tenacity. I know on the outside it doesn’t appear I represent you well in that way. I have all this panic and anxiety and all these fears that have crippled me for so many years of my life; but I do think you gave me that strength and tenacity. You gave it to all of us, and the evidence is that we are all still here fighting despite everything we’ve all been through together as a family and individually.
My anxiety is already beginning to rise in advance of tomorrow’s CT Scan appointment. I’ve been feeling pretty confident that I’m fine and don’t have ovarian cancer; and for the most part I still feel pretty confident about that. But I’m concerned about other things.
Although most of the results from the tests that were performed on my January 6th doctor’s visit came back with good news, there were a few worrisome things; and on top of the few worrisome results, I have some symptoms, connected to the results, that make those results even more concerning.
I’ve awoken this morning feeling very frustrated about not being able to get my mind into a settled place where my health is concerned. If it hasn’t been one thing it’s been another. I’m thankful for what good news I did receive. Some things about which I’ve been concerned for a long time, my test results have put those concerns to rest. And I suppose all things considered–given that so many people are suffering in so many ways from significantly worse illnesses–I should not complain that there are still worries. I should be glad that some of the worries have been taken away. After all, good health, while desired and while ideal, is not something anyone is owed. People get sick. People die every day from disease. Who am I to go around with a “Why me” attitude? I’ve had 45 years of being in relatively good health. So I’ve had these fibroids for a while–it’s not like fibroids are cancer. People are suffering with cancer every day and their suffering is real. It isn’t just depression over not having a hot body anymore.
Of course, for all I know I am about to learn the difference between having a vanity disease and a life-ending disease. I don’t know. I suppose when all is said and done, none of us know.
I don’t want to be a weakling. I don’t want to live up to my reputation for being fatalistic and a paranoiac. But I am concerned that my health might be failing in ways from which I will not be able to recover. I am seeing and experiencing worrisome symptoms that suggest a possibility of serious problems with other organs in my body. My hope is that it’s nothing. Just a transient malady that will pass soon. I am hoping that I will receive only more good news on Wednesday; but I admit that I’m afraid they will discover something serious tied to the symptoms I’ve been experiencing.
It’s difficult to be in this state of uncertainty about my health, which boils down to an uncertainty about my life. But I guess even if I get good news on Wednesday, I don’t know what’s going to be the deal on Thursday. Life changes in a flash. So maybe the best thing I can do for myself is stop worrying about what might be and just deal with what I have to deal with when it comes. Because what “isn’t” today can come striking tomorrow anyway. So if I get a few more easy years then great; but if it’s time to start battling the beasts of life then what choice will I have but to face them and either try to fight or let them take me? If I slay them and buy myself some more time, great; but inevitably, this is a battle I lose. It’s a battle we all lose.
I wish you all good health and peace of mind. If you can get happiness on top of that consider yourself most fortunate.
With the sun shining so brightly outside my window it’s hard to believe there is snow on the ground, but I woke up to snow on the ground this morning. So far for the season it has only snowed 3 times with the first two snowfalls being very light. This one was a little heavier though still light by comparison to the typical snowfall I’ve gotten used to since temporarily moving to the mid-west. I have to confess I have not grown to love it out here and will be happy when it’s time to leave. No offense to anyone who is from the mid-west; but it’s just not the location for me.
I woke up today feeling a bit unsettled thanks to some unsettling dreams. One was too horrific to recount. I don’t really want to remember the details of that so I’ll just try hard not to give it any thought while awake. The other dream was more typical of what I’ve had to deal with in real life with my husband over the soon to be 20 years that we’ve been married.
In the dream we were staying in the apartment in which I lived with my family in Brooklyn for the first 13-14 years following my arrival in the United States back in 1983. I guess we must have just moved in because there was stuff all over the place and I was trying to sort things out and decide what would go where. My husband and I were in the midst of a not talking to each other spell. He had done something that really upset me; and I had decided I wanted to divorce him; but he was refusing to leave and trying to force us back into a situation of going on with life as usual. At some point in the day he said he was stepping out for a minute. I happened to be standing near the door when he opened it and I noticed that he had put a lot of our stuff outside in the hallway. I asked him what the bleep was going on with that and he said he had left them out there because there was no room inside the apartment. So I started yelling and screaming about how it would make us look to the neighbors to have our stuff out in the hallway of the apartment building. Of course the way I was yelling and screaming would in reality look even worse than having our belongings piled in the hallway. And even in the dream that point came across loudly when a good looking woman came out of the elevator, and hearing the way I was yelling at my husband, picked up one of the things he had left in the hallway and gave it to him as an act of showing sympathy for what he was having to deal with in the form of a classless complaining loud-mouth of a wife. Of course he lapped this up, allowing his gaze to follow her wistfully as she continued on her way down the hall. Needless to say that drove me to another level of rage, and I started beating him up with what ever I could get my hands on of the things that were in the hallway.
I have to confess, during the first few years of our marriage, when I would get mad at my husband I would physically attack him. I once punched him so hard in his chest with my fist that he claims to this day he still experiences problems from the blow. I’m not sure if that’s actually possible; but I guess it doesn’t matter whether it is or isn’t. We’ve never really talked about those horrible episodes, and I don’t know that there would be any purpose to talking about it. I’ve occasionally written about my marriage on this blog and I’ve had feedback from some readers that basically encourages me to get out of my marriage based on the way I’ve represented my husband. But I’ve certainly done my fair share of damage to this relationship.
The way I acted in the dream is a pretty accurate reflection of the way I have acted in reality when my husband has made me angry. I stopped hitting him a long time ago because he sort of forced me to. It would have been nice to be able to say that I stopped because I came to realize on my own that what I was doing was not okay, and I went and got help learning to handle my disappointments and frustrations in constructive ways. But it was because my husband retaliated each time by walking out and not coming back home for weeks. The experience of being repeatedly walked out on forced me to learn to keep my hands to myself and more often than not to keep my mouth shut. Of course this meant my husband got away with a lot of things for a lot of years, until it all caught up to him in 2005. We were separated from 2005 – 2007 and since getting back together things have been mostly improved. But we’ve had random occasions where things have popped up out of nowhere to remind us (or rather to remind me) that we’re two fundamentally different people and there is no possibility that we will ever have a close and loving relationship. My husband will never be as I would like him to be and I will never be as he would like me to be. The question is, can we accept each other as we are, and I don’t know that I can or that I want to live with some of things that my husband brings to the plate. I’ve just turned 45. He’s going to turn 60 a few months before I turn 46. I just don’t think what I want for myself going ahead is more of the same of what I’ve had. I don’t want to be that woman in my dream having to be yelling and screaming at my husband because he and I are so fundamentally different that his definition of perfectly okay to do is my definition of absolutely not okay to do under any circumstance.
It’s 2016. I just turned 45 two months ago. I feel as if I’m supposed to say that with a down-turned face and disgust/regret/apology in my voice; but screw that. I’m 45. And in November of this year I’m going to turn 46. What does it mean? Nothing more and nothing less than what it is. The number of years that have passed since the date of my birth. Last I checked I’m not special in some supernatural way. What happens to every living breathing creature on the planet since the dawn of time will happen to me. I will keep getting older and older until I one day die.
All it means that I am 45 is that I have managed so far to survive this crazy experience of life for 45 years. I am still here; and I hope to be here at least a while longer, because there are still things I want to do. And I have no interest in spending my time wallowing in self pity because I have reached an age that society has decided is an age to feel bad about being.
So take your pity elsewhere. These years are earned stripes. And don’t bring your self-pity on my doorstep either. I don’t have time to sit and listen to you whine about the fact that you’re getting old. So effing what you’re not 25 anymore? What was so great about your life then anyway? Dudes were all over you wanting to bang you because you were so hot? And that made you feel special? That made you feel worthy? What have you got to show for all the dudes who banged you (or wanted to bang you) because they thought you were so hot? What did any of them give you other than STDs?
When I was 25 no one gave any more of a shit about me than they do now. No one valued me or thought I was worth anything more than they value me and think I’m worth now. And I was depressed and suicidal because I felt worthless and hopeless. I had already learned painful lessons about life and how people will use and abuse you. But I didn’t have the strength or the courage or the wisdom to use these lessons to protect myself and safeguard my life. Getting older has toughened me up to where I don’t go through the things I used to go through when I was younger. In my “best years” I hated myself and wanted to die because of how other people perceived me and treated me. My life from age 9 – 40 was a bleeping epic struggle to resist the impulse to kill myself. At no point during this period did I have the experience of blessings being poured over me just because I was “young”. Life didn’t conspire to see to it that during a certain period of time, say from age 15 – 35, I would know the so-called joys of youth. I had no peace. I felt no joy.
Today I have clarity and clarity is a beautiful thing. I won’t pretend life is so great. I won’t pretend I’m not still making mistakes, and I don’t still have things that aren’t right in my life; but would I trade being older and wiser and stronger for being where I was at 25? Not on your life.
Around 12 AM EST January 13th I wrote my first real post in several months; but I titled it My Fibroids today January 13 2015. Of course today is Wednesday January 13th 2016. So, I’m a little embarrassed; but only a little. At least it gives me inspiration to write another post, which gets me a step closer to my goal to update this site a little bit more frequently than I have been. Then again hardly anyone reads my blog so I guess it doesn’t really matter one way or another how frequently I update.
The mid-west sky morning of Wednesday January 13th 2016
I woke up at 6:30AM this morning feeling a bit confused thanks to some convoluted dreams. In one of the dreams I was walking somewhere with one of my sisters. We were trying to get across a very busy road to try to make it to a bus stop to catch a special bus that was going to take us back to a church where we were attending an event. I had left the event with my husband and my son to go find another of my sisters to confront her over my husband’s claims that they had slept together. That whole scene was quite ridiculous. I found her in a tree that at first had been a balcony. She was on the balcony with a guy who seems like he might have been her old boyfriend. I shouted to her straight off upon arriving that my husband just told me the two of them had *&^&ed. So she left the balcony and came down to our level. It was at that point she was in the tree, but it had seemed she’d always been in the tree and there had never been a balcony involved. Maybe I’m mixing up scenes from different dreams. But anyway, she denied my husband’s claim, and I started acting like I had never believed my husband in the first place and had only forced him to come and make the claim to her face in order to show him up as a liar.
Anyway, we left from that encounter and started heading back to where we’d come from; but suddenly it wasn’t my husband and my son who were with me. It was another of my sisters, and we were walking trying to find a bus stop. As we were walking, we spotted yet another of my sisters. She was walking with a group of her friends. She didn’t notice us so we called out to her and stopped to say hello. She was speaking to us in French. It’s not clear if we understood her or not. That part of the dream was interesting because I do have a sister who lives in Paris, so maybe that’s where I had traveled in the sleep realm because there was nothing familiar about the location where my sister and I were walking. My sister introduced us to her friends and then we continued on our way; but at some point the sister I was walking with disappeared. I kept looking around calling out to her but there was no sign of her anywhere. I had no idea where I was and how to catch the bus to get to where I needed to be. I was in a panic, but I kept on walking in the direction where I thought the bus should be. I was walking while looking for my sister and looking out for the bus at the same time. I came to a street that was so busy with traffic and so wide that I was terrified to cross it and had no idea what I was going to do. I stood there wishing and hoping my sister would appear, and she did. But it wasn’t really my sister. It was a wished upon figure–someone I had made appear in the dream at that point (probably using my conscious mind). She said she had stepped into a store to buy something and she figured I would have waited outside.
That’s all I can remember from that bizarre dream.
My goals for today are to maintain my calm, eat well, get an adequate amount of exercise and check off as many items as possible off my to-do work list.
This is my first real update since June-July 2015. Things have been good for the most part. I have been focused on other things and haven’t been worrying too much about my fibroids. They are still present and they do still cause me some discomfort from time to time; but I experience longer stretches of time where they don’t bother me.
I just had a doctor’s appointment last Wednesday. It was my first since last January. I’ve had appointments scheduled, but I cancelled them because I haven’t wanted to deal with all the stress that follows a doctors visit. But I finally went last week and they ran some of the same tests as on my last visit. They ran that CA-125 test that they use to scan for early signs of ovarian cancer in women who are high risk. When they ran it last time my numbers were outside the normal range so they had scheduled me to be screened for cancer, but the screening never took place. This time around my numbers are inside the normal range. They have said that doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t have ovarian cancer. Apparently the test isn’t reliable. But I’m choosing to believe that it is in fact reliable in my case.
The reason they are concerned is that they haven’t been able to clearly identify the bigger mass in my stomach as a fibroid. When they did a CT-Scan last year it was hard to tell because things were so crushed together in my stomach. One of the doctors, after examining me, thought the mass in question could be something other than a fibroid; but with the CT-Scan being unclear, the only way for them to know would have been to cut me open.
On the 20th of this month they will do another CT-Scan. I am hoping that things will be clearer this time around. In the hope of helping to make it more possible for them to see what is going on inside my stomach, I am planning to eat as little as I possibly can over the next 8 days. I considered doing a fast but I’m not sure it’s such a good idea. I think I need to be more careful about what I do to my body. The fasts which I completed in the past did help; but I think that it gets to a point where it’s dangerous to keep doing them. It impacts on other organs in your body. In my case, I have had to deal with issues resulting from too much protein as well as a deficiency in carbohydrates and other nutrients. It’s a little hard to balance things when you’re fasting, and so I think that I need to stop the lengthy fasts at least. I don’t think I need to do any more 14, 21 or 30 day fasts any time soon. I’m not even sure if a 7-day fast is a good idea. But I might attempt a 3-day leading up to the appointment, just in the hope that it might make things clearer to view in my stomach.
The diet
Diet-wise I’ve kept on track. I haven’t had any major setbacks. Admittedly I haven’t kept to my goal to eliminate bread and flour based product such as crackers; but I have been able to manage my consumption of these things so that it is never too much. I continue to avoid dairy, only occasionally sneaking a spoonful of ice-cream, whipped cream or goat cheese (never enough to really matter). I am no longer focusing on avoiding gluten because I’m not finding that it really has any profound benefit.
I am not taking anything special such as DIM supplements, blackstrap molasses, apple cider vinegar ( I use it in the process of making meals but I’m not drinking it like medicine daily).
I think just restricting my consumption of food to what is necessary to keep me sustained and give me enough energy to take care of the physical activities that I undertake daily does enough right now to keep things under control.
The monthly cycle
As for the contribution of the monthly cycle, that has been pretty erratic. For the most part I am not going through what I was going through a year ago with two cycles per month. I’ve had at most two bad episodes in the last 7 months where the cycle was heavy and lasted over 11 days. In September I did not have a cycle at all. It took a 45 day break between the end of August’s cycle and the beginning of October’s. I was very happy at the thought that it might be menopause knocking; but then someone asked some questions and I started to panic thinking it might be cancer. Amazingly and interestingly menopause and ovarian cancer share some of the same symptoms. So I was a little relieved when it came back in October; but now I’m hoping for another episode where it goes 45+ days. My stomach had gone down a lot at one point during this break period. It was as near to flat as it has been since this nonsense started.
The Hysterectomy question
I’ll admit I still think about it and wonder if I should have done it or if I should consider doing it; but if menopause is a year or two away for me, and if my health is okay (if I don’t have cancer), then I think I’ll just wait it out. I’ve gotten this far. Sure it’s difficult having to walk around with this stomach. But it’s not like I have an active social life anyway. And who cares what thoughts go through the mind of people I don’t know when they see me?
Finally…
I am looking forward to improving my situation even more in 2016. My goals: increased fitness, better physical health both inside and out. The mental and emotional stuff gets tough. I have a lot of hurdles to clear with that; but that’s one of my goals as well–to become stronger mentally and emotionally–to own my age, because it’s an empowering thing to be at an age where you no longer have to prove anything to anyone.
**The featured picture was an experiment done last year to discover if a woman with large fibrods can get away with wearing a broad bet around her waist.
