Yesterday’s visit to the gynecological oncologist went reasonably well I suppose. No further testing was done. No examinations etc. It went more or less the same as last year when I thought I had been sent to him in order to get a cancer screening; but it turned out I was mistaken and they had only sent me for a surgery consultation.
He basically just said immediately upon entering the room, “well, it’s really about whether you want to get the surgery or not.”
I had to ask about the cancer concerns that were raised by the doctor who ordered the CT scan. After all those scary things we read, and after her followup message to my follow-up inquiry which was basically that the mass appeared to be coming from the ovary and that due to the fluid in the abdomen and other present soft tissue in addition to the increase in size of the mass, cancer was a concern, this doctor made it seem as if cancer wasn’t much of a concern at all. Like I said, I had to bring that up. He wasn’t even going to mention cancer at all. And he went so far to say that the mass appears to be coming from the uterus, which is completely different from what the other doctor said.
I have to admit that I find this doctor a bit blasé in his approach. My son was present with me and asked some questions and at one point the doctor responded by saying “no one else wanted to do it.” He was talking about the surgery. He was saying that the size of the mass was such that it increased the surgery risks. My son was trying to get him to further elaborate on that and he laughingly said, “no one else wanted to do it.” In other words, at least as we interpreted it, the surgery will be so risky that the normal department that would have done it didn’t want to do it and sent me over to him.
The impression that I was under both last year and now was that the cancer concerns were the reason I was referred to him. So that’s more than a little bit disconcerting to be totally honest. But what choice do I have at this point? If this thing continues to grow it seems it could cost me my life one way or another. I can’t afford to concern myself with the doctor’s questionable bedside manner. They say he’s an excellent surgeon, and if the surgery is going to be as risky as they suggest then what I need most isn’t a nice, humane surgeon but a competent surgeon. Ideally I would have a competent surgeon who is also nice and humane; but all I need is to come through this thing in one piece.
Anyway, if I dwell on this too much I will start to slip into a frame of mind that will not be in any way helpful to me. I have to believe that this will work out the way it should. I clearly can no longer avoid the surgery. And I’m not in a position to pick and choose. And it wouldn’t matter if I had a surgeon who was all mollifying and going the extra mile to pacify me. He would be no more genuinely invested in my welfare than the current surgeon who’s clearly not in the business of hand-holding and reassuring people like me. He deals daily with people who need his comfort and assurances far more than some irresponsible woman with a bowling ball sized tumor in her gut who should have had it removed ages ago but keeps wasting everybody’s time because she’s afraid. If I want to be a pathetic little baby and risk my life in the process, that’s my choice. I can’t fault him for not being interested in wasting his time trying to reassure me and my kid that all will be well. That’s not his job.