Isn’t it funny how your reaction to other people’s actions can get turned around by them and suddenly it’s you bringing your toxic stuff into their space and they need to avoid you? People can bring a load of manure and dump it on you then turn around and refuse to have anything to do with you because you stink. Er, hello, I stink because you dumped your s**t on me! Anyway, I find it’s more useful to examine where I went wrong than it is to focus on what other people did or did not do. The fact that someone disrespected me, insulted me, offended me or whatever is irrelevant. People can intend to disrespect, insult and offend. They can intend it and they can set out to do it; but they can only succeed if you feel what they want you to feel. And no one can make you feel anything. Feelings are triggered by thoughts how ever fleeting those thoughts might be and no one can think a thought into your head.
Since I made the decision to attempt to transform my life and to document the effort via this blog, I’ve faced some unanticipated challenges. I almost feel as if I am worse off now than before I started on this life transformation journey. I have become more stressed out, more disillusioned, more riddled with self doubt. I feel like I got sucked into a hole and while in the hole all the inspiration and will and determination and optimism was vacuumed out of me and the opposite things were pumped into me; then I was spit back out of the hole after being hollowed out and emptied, having no idea where to turn and what to do. I feel like I am all over the place and further away from finding my authentic self.
But like I always say, if the fall doesn’t kill you or otherwise permanently maim you, get up and keep on walking. Just be mindful you’re walking on the right path. I got pulled off mine so I need to work my way back onto my right path. When you have other people in your life pulling you in this and that direction and you’re prioritizing your need to be there for them over your need to take care of yourself, you will keep getting pulled off your course and onto theirs. Then when they decide they have no further use for you or simply don’t want you around anymore they veer off onto another course and leave you stranded miles off your own course. Your journey becomes longer and harder and sometimes you just completely lose the will to bother trying to find your way back. Sometimes it’s too late for you. I don’t know if it might already be too late for me. Sometimes I feel like it is.
About the featured image: The featured image is a digitally repainted crop from an oil on canvas painting of a nude lady bathing in the sea. For some reason I don’t have the year I painted the original picture written on the back of the canvas board but I think I painted it in 1999 when I was going through a spell and trying to paint my way out of my life’s misery.
