I’m sitting here trying to maintain my focus and to not listen to the voices in my head that are trying to scare me. As I wrote in the post about the results of the CT scan that I underwent on January 20th, there are some concerns about ovarian cancer and also other cancer possibilities. Concerns are of course not saying I have ovarian cancer or other cancers; but I’m faced with an option of taking the chance that I don’t and doing nothing or going forward with the hysterectomy. I have come to the conclusion that it would be stupid of me at this point to go the “take my chances” route. If I don’t have cancer, wonderful. If I do, maybe it will be caught in time to give me a chance at a few more years of life.
Of course having the hysterectomy is going to mean no longer having fibroids. The thought of that should be exciting to me. I should be looking forward to the possibility of getting my life back in the event I don’t have cancer. After all, the main thing about which I’ve been complaining all these years has been what the fibroids have done to my body.
But I find myself feeling weird whenever I think about not having this particular problem any more. Of course the possibility exists that after the surgery, I’ll only have bigger and more serious problems to deal with. But for now I don’t know that I have cancer. I only know that it’s a possibility and that the 3 cancers that have been suggested as possibilities are serious, with one described as an “aggressive” cancer.
So why should I be sitting here feeling weird when I think about or try to imagine what life is going to be like with no fibroids? And why should I have this ridiculous sense of feeling like I don’t deserve to be fibroid free? Why do I feel as if I don’t deserve to “not” have large tumors in my body? Why would I feel as if a fibroid-free me is going to be an unreal me? Why would I want to hold on to the fibroids in order to avoid the unknown that lies ahead?
At the end of day I guess I just need to focus on trying to calm my anxieties about the surgery so that I can get to the day of the surgery and get through it. Everything else I will have to deal with when it comes. This question I’m asking myself about whether I don’t think I deserve to be fibroid free, it’s not where my mind needs to be right now. That’s a trivial concern. It’s the irrational voices in my head doing their thing; and I can’t really afford to indulge them by listening to their pointless conversation right now. This thing is no longer just about fibroids.