The fibroid that is my life

Haven’t done an update in a bit. It gets to a point where you just don’t feel motivated to keep updating when nobody’s really reading anyway. I had done pretty well with my juice fast. Like I said in one of my last posts I was even able to go out to the store wearing a t-shirt I could not have worn before the fast. My stomach shrank significantly; but it was all a sort of illusion. The minute you start to eat again your stomach grows right back. It’s ridiculous. I can’t live on juice for the rest of my life.

I’m a little bit frustrated right now, not just with the whole fibroid stuff and trying to figure out a stable if not permanent solution. I’m frustrated with my life. I am sick and tired of being poor and having to deal with everything that comes with that. I ate a lot today. I woke up and from the moment I woke up I was picking at stuff and I just kept picking at stuff through the entire day. I can barely breathe my stomach is so distended. Life just basically sucks.

I am pretty much alone out here which isn’t new. My life has been like this for the last 15 – 20 years. It’s been just me and my son and my husband and you’re not going to find too many women like me having fantastic relationships with the men in their lives. I’m generally just existing through my fingers, trying to make something happen for myself. I’ve had periods of success with some of the things I’ve tried in the past but it’s always ended the same way. I build a website and get it to a good point of growth, then an emergency happens and I have to sell it. I build a piece of PHP software and get a few sales, then something happens and I have to sell it. I’m at a point now where my new website ventures are doing poorly and I can’t think of anything else to build and sell. I just sold off 6 of my WordPress Plugins the other day for $150. We needed the money. I at least got a blender out of it, but it’s unfortunate still that I had to sell them. That’s been the story of my life for nearly 14 years and it’s actually quite depressing.

I’ve done a lot of work but I have nothing to show for any of it. I have $2 on me right now and I didn’t even know I had it. I found it in my bag yesterday. I have 0.80 cents on my bank account. I have $15 in my clickbank account that I don’t know when I’ll get a check for. I have $60 in my commission junction account and again I don’t know when I’ll get access to that. I have about $22 in my Amazon account. I have 0.56 cents in my PayPal account. The net asset value of my forex account is $61.66 cents but I don’t expect I’ll turn that into actual money at any point in time because I am long on the euro in my open trade and from the looks of it I’m facing a likely margin closeout if the euro continues to drop. I also have an account with sharebuilder with a total investment balance of $307.81 but I have no way to turn that into money. I mean, I could probably try to sell my shares of SIRIUS XM RADIO INC. but I doubt I will have luck there. Besides, I might as well hold on to them. You never know what might happen in the future right?

All of the above is to say, I don’t have any money and it’s depressing and I think that is in part why I ate so much today, because I was feeling that desperation that I have felt too often in the past when the financial situation has been like it is now. I always feel powerless and useless, especially when I can’t think of a solution. I can’t think of a way out; and I don’t have an outlet for any of my stress. There isn’t anyone I can really talk to and express my honest feelings.

But I will forgive myself for not being as strong as I needed to be today and I will try to get back on track tomorrow. Life is hard.