I am scheduled for a hysterectomy and oophorectomy on March 7th. I would be lying if I said I’m not scared. There’s a reason I have been resisting getting the procedure done for so many years, but I am no longer in a position to take the risk of continuing to live with my fibroids. Like I said in a previous post, there is a concern that the larger mass that is causing the swelling of my abdomen is not a fibroid, but rather a tumor that is growing inside my ovary. It could be benign, but it could also be malignant. Either way, there is no way to know without removing it. So I have made up my mind to do the surgery. And yes, I am very scared, but I know I cannot allow being scared to influence me to change my mind.
It’s kind of interesting how I’ve been living so long with large tumors in my stomach that I have come to a point where I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to not have them. I’ve normalized this abnormal condition to where the thought that I should ever again have a stomach that isn’t swollen full with tumors is hard to imagine and hard to accept as being fitting, deserving and right. Isn’t it ridiculous that I should think I deserve to have tumors growing in my stomach that are so large they require me to drastically alter my life in order to accommodate them? Yet, part of me feels like I don’t deserve to be without this problem. How sad and sick is it to think that it’s somehow a bad thing to be happy at the prospect of a life without an womb filled with tumors that compromise my health and well-being? Why should I believe that I don’t deserve peace of mind, comfort, joy and better health?
As hard as I have been trying for the last several years to improve my life, and as much improvement as I have realized, the fact remains that at my core I have been unwell for many decades. And for the last ten years that unwellness has manifested itself in the form of ugly, hungry tumors that seem determined to eventually kill me.
I can’t keep indulging these sick thoughts that allow me to keep myself in unhealthy situations. I’ve been doing that my entire life, accepting misery and pain as my lot in life, convincing myself that it’s somehow wrong of me to want better and to think that I deserve better than what I have. I have spent my entire life suppressing myself, keeping myself down on account of one irrational fear or another. I keep claiming to want more out of life, yet I keep robbing myself of chances to get more out of life. I’ve been running and hiding since I was a child. Here I am now 45 years old. I don’t exactly have time on my side for fulfilling my goals and dreams. And this thing with my stomach, it’s robbing me of precious time and energy. And I have a choice to fix it. I have this chance to get rid of one of the biggest obstacles standing between me and a better, healthier life. Will I choose to listen to voices in my head that want me to believe that freedom from this condition is too special a gift for me?
Yes, I am terrified. Some days I’m more than just terrified; but I have to do this. I can’t succumb to my fears.