Okay so my title totally makes no sense. I’ll have to try to find a way to tie the ideas together. Without giving more information than is needed, my body was used for sex several times last night and again first thing this morning. I say my body was used for sex because I was sleeping, or trying to sleep, while most of the night time activity was taking place, and this morning, though I was awake during the activity, I was not an active participant.
My libido has been pretty much non-existent for the last several years. I believe the fibroids are largely responsible for my loss of interest in sex, although they probably aren’t 100% responsible. They are responsible insofar as they appear to have wiped out any natural sexual impulse. What I mean by that is I don’t ever find myself craving sex; but I do still have the ability to become aroused. So I would have to blame some of my loss of interest in sex on the state of affairs with my marriage.
I’ve mentioned in other posts that I am married and that my marriage contributes largely to my lack of mental and emotional wellness. Sex has been a huge issue in my marriage from the start. I went eight years before I discovered that I was married to a sex addict. Up to that point I thought I was just married to someone with a sex drive that was maddeningly high. It turned out I was married to someone with some serious issues.
As you might imagine, not having a libido is difficult when you’re married to someone who breathes sex. It’s difficult enough to tolerate sex when you have zero desire for it. When you add to the equation the various physical discomforts caused by large fibroids–pain, embarrassing sensations in the bladder and bowel areas, and now concerns about bleeding–let’s just say that the experience of sex has become extremely unpleasant for me.
The problem as I see it
I do believe the problem is largely hormonal and related to the fibroids; but beyond that there are a number of additional factors that are having a detrimental impact on my sex life.
My fibroids have changed my body. I am self conscious about my large stomach. That creates tension to begin with. I am unable to relax. Then you add the fact that I don’t have that sense of comfort of knowing that I am with someone who loves me. I suppose if I were being honest I would also have to admit that I don’t have that sense of comfort of knowing that I am with someone I truly love. I don’t feel “married” in the way I need to feel married. I don’t feel like I’m with a “partner” much less a soul mate. And I don’t want to share my body with someone who doesn’t like me or love me and with whom I don’t feel safe enough and secure enough to let my guard down. Throw in the issues I have with my husband being a smoker–the fact that I am repulsed by the way he smells. And also throw in the fact that I cannot trust him and I am always having to be concerned about what he may or not be doing once he leaves the house in the morning. I never know when he’s telling me the truth and when he’s lying so I always have to be on my guard to try to protect myself.
When you throw all of that into the mix, even if I didn’t have fibroids and they weren’t playing havoc with my system and shutting down my sexual urges, I think I would still be dealing with a loss of interest in sex with my husband.
So what’s the point of it all?
I would prefer to have a healthy libido. I don’t know what constitutes a healthy libido at the age of 43. It makes sense that I won’t get as excited as a twenty year old fresh off of losing her virginity; but I don’t think I’m supposed to be feeling like an 80 year old. No disrespect to 80 year old women. I imagine 80 year old women can still get aroused and have orgasms. Joan Collins looks like she still gets the Big O from time to time.
The point is, while I don’t expect to be wanting sex 24/7, I would prefer to have some semblance of a sex drive. If I’m going to be having to have sex anyway I would like to be able to enjoy it. And as long as I remain married to this particular individual, sex is going to happen. The question of what I’m doing married to someone who treats me like I’m a blow-up doll with an annoying “thinking and talking” feature that he would disable if he could, is for another post. For the purpose of this discussion, I am married to a man who values me only for his ability to use my body for sex. Because I am married to him and I sleep in the same bed with him every night sex becomes very difficult to avoid. There are other reasons that it is not in my best interest to outright refuse him. Given I have no sex drive and I have no sexual interest in him specifically–I would prefer if I didn’t ever have to have sex with him; but there are unspoken obligations when you’re in a situation like I’m in. No one will come right out and say certain things; but while I am busy trying and failing at one business venture or another, bills have to get paid. So, desire or no desire, sex is still an activity in which I am obliged to engage.
The problem for me is, I don’t have the ability to pretend I’m having a good time when I’m not. If I’m hating every second of the sex experience I don’t hide the fact. This makes things more difficult for me in the long run, which is why I say that if I’m going to have to have sex anyway, I would rather be able to enjoy it. Sex is good for health. And I want to be healthy. So yeah, I would like to have a normal, healthy sex drive so that I can use my husband for sexual release the way he uses me.