Home Journal Pondering my life my fibroids my grandmother and all that good bad...

Pondering my life my fibroids my grandmother and all that good bad stuff

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I know the title of my post makes no sense. It is the morning of day 13 of my 21 day juice fast. I am wondering if I need to stop drinking the naked protein zone juice I’ve been consuming since I started this fast. 4 servings of this drink takes me to over 100 grams of sugar. I’m thinking that might be dangerous. In fact I’ve been feeling a little off since last night and the feeling in my blood is similar to when I’ve had too much sugar. With diabetes running in the family I probably shouldn’t be taking a risk like this but I have nothing else to drink. We’re in such a bind right now financially it’s shameful and embarrassing. Still, I’m not sure if I’ll drink that Naked Protein zone smoothie today. I think there’s too much sugar and too little of other needed nutrients in my blood right now.

I woke up depressed this morning. This is not unusual for me. I woke up feeling hopeless, like it was pointless to go on breathing.

I’m worried and I’m scared and I feel like my life has no purpose. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know where I’m going. I feel like I have nothing to give to life and there’s nothing for me to get from life. That’s how I’m feeling right now. I won’t say that’s how I always feel but I pass through moments like this fairly often, when I feel hopeless and helpless and like a complete waste and a failure.

Last night I had a dream about my grandmother who died earlier this year. My grandmother was born into poverty. She lived in poverty and she died in poverty. In the dream I was trying to help her up some steps and I caused her to fall. She had been helpless up to that point but after she fell, she got up on her own and made it up the rest of the steps without help and without effort. She was angry and basically telling me and everyone else who was around her house to get lost because when she really needed us we weren’t there; and she certainly didn’t need us now. I don’t know what the dream means if anything.

Apparently my grandmother had fibroids and had a hysterectomy at some point in her life. I don’t know when, how old she was or any of that. I used to wish I would become successful before she died and would be able to go back home (outside the US) and buy a nice big house for her or something. That didn’t work out. Since she died I’ve been trying to think about her whenever I’m feeling like I can’t endure another day of life. I consider how many decades she endured her suffering with all her daughters gone away to live in the United States and only her sons to look after her the best their wives would allow them. She developed dementia at some point and the sons wives didn’t want her living with them so she ended up in a nursing home. I’m not sure how many years she lived in the nursing home. I didn’t really have a close relationship with her or anything but I still feel like she deserved better than she got out of life. Sometimes I feel like I want to succeed in her name and the name of all the women in my family history who were born into poverty, lived their entire lives in poverty and suffered everything that comes with that, and died in poverty with broken hearts; but then I look at myself. I am living their lives and the likely ending for me is the same ending as theirs–to die in poverty alone and forsaken.

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My name is Monica. I have fibroids. My fibroids are large enough that they have transformed my figure into something I am still trying to learn how to live with. In the meantime while I try to learn how to live with my fibroids I am also trying every possible method I can find to try to shrink them naturally because I am afraid of the idea of a hysterectomy. I lived with fibroids from 2007 - 2016. I started documenting my experiences on this blog in 2012. On March 7th 2016 I had a hysterectomy out of concern that I might have ovarian cancer. It did not turn out that I had ovarian cancer. The cancer scare forced the hysterectomy I was trying to avoid, and so, I became fibroid free as of March 7th 2016. I will try to keep this blog up and running in the hope that it will be of some use to others going through what I went through.

2 COMMENTS

  1. Wow. Other than our skin colors, our stories are almost identical.
    -Feel hopeless
    -Struggling with money for most of my life
    -Want to succeed in my loved ones’ names.
    -Dream of making it big to buy home for loved ones.
    -Trying to heal myself naturally.

    I’m convinced this is a hormonal thing. This is a uniquely female issue. Fibroids and cysts can’t exist in a body in which the hormones are perfectly balanced… maybe we are focusing on the wrong hormone.

    I once read that aldosterone is responsible for age-related hearing loss. This makes sense as to why both males and females lose their hearing (aldosterone is an equitably male and female hormone). Of course, estrogen is not exclusively “female,” but it is significant. Aldosterone is present in similar amounts on both sexes, however. The reason I’m mentioning this is that there are so many dots we have not yet connected. It’s always good to keep an open mind and be willing to experiment on ourselves.

    I hope you are more at peace about your grandmother.

    Much love to you!

    • Thank you El. I don’t come by fibroidlife.com often enough anymore. I am going to try to change that. It was a life-changing project for me. And I feel that sharing my story via this website helped me to grow in significant ways. It makes me happy to be reminded that it was a worthwhile thing to do. I especially needed the reminder today.

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