My anxiety is already beginning to rise in advance of tomorrow’s CT Scan appointment. I’ve been feeling pretty confident that I’m fine and don’t have ovarian cancer; and for the most part I still feel pretty confident about that. But I’m concerned about other things.
Although most of the results from the tests that were performed on my January 6th doctor’s visit came back with good news, there were a few worrisome things; and on top of the few worrisome results, I have some symptoms, connected to the results, that make those results even more concerning.
I’ve awoken this morning feeling very frustrated about not being able to get my mind into a settled place where my health is concerned. If it hasn’t been one thing it’s been another. I’m thankful for what good news I did receive. Some things about which I’ve been concerned for a long time, my test results have put those concerns to rest. And I suppose all things considered–given that so many people are suffering in so many ways from significantly worse illnesses–I should not complain that there are still worries. I should be glad that some of the worries have been taken away. After all, good health, while desired and while ideal, is not something anyone is owed. People get sick. People die every day from disease. Who am I to go around with a “Why me” attitude? I’ve had 45 years of being in relatively good health. So I’ve had these fibroids for a while–it’s not like fibroids are cancer. People are suffering with cancer every day and their suffering is real. It isn’t just depression over not having a hot body anymore.
Of course, for all I know I am about to learn the difference between having a vanity disease and a life-ending disease. I don’t know. I suppose when all is said and done, none of us know.
I don’t want to be a weakling. I don’t want to live up to my reputation for being fatalistic and a paranoiac. But I am concerned that my health might be failing in ways from which I will not be able to recover. I am seeing and experiencing worrisome symptoms that suggest a possibility of serious problems with other organs in my body. My hope is that it’s nothing. Just a transient malady that will pass soon. I am hoping that I will receive only more good news on Wednesday; but I admit that I’m afraid they will discover something serious tied to the symptoms I’ve been experiencing.
It’s difficult to be in this state of uncertainty about my health, which boils down to an uncertainty about my life. But I guess even if I get good news on Wednesday, I don’t know what’s going to be the deal on Thursday. Life changes in a flash. So maybe the best thing I can do for myself is stop worrying about what might be and just deal with what I have to deal with when it comes. Because what “isn’t” today can come striking tomorrow anyway. So if I get a few more easy years then great; but if it’s time to start battling the beasts of life then what choice will I have but to face them and either try to fight or let them take me? If I slay them and buy myself some more time, great; but inevitably, this is a battle I lose. It’s a battle we all lose.
I wish you all good health and peace of mind. If you can get happiness on top of that consider yourself most fortunate.