Hi, I know, it’s been a while since I wrote a post. I don’t have fibroids any more so maintaining the website is a little bit hard. But I’m hoping to come back to it starting with this blog post. Recently I read some of my old posts on this blog and it reminded me of what I went through from 2007 when I discovered that I had fibroids until 2016 when I had a hysterectomy. I needed that reminder; because I’ve been so caught up lately in trying to make something happen for myself with my singing and songwriter “career”, that I’ve lost touch with this version of Monica. And frankly, I think this version of Monica was in a more honest place mentally and emotionally than the singer, songwriter Monica is in at present.
This blog once served to help keep me focused on a goal of mental, emotional and physical wellness. It helped me figure things out about my life and about myself. And I believe that in large part due to my experiences with fibroids, struggling for almost ten years of my life to deal with everything that came with the situation, and using this blog as a way of coping, fighting and trying to find myself, I became strong enough and confident enough to begin this next chapter of pursuing my singing and songwriting interests. But, in trying to create a new persona for the sake of keeping up social media appearances, I have lost some of that confidence and self understanding and self acceptance that I was forced to nurture and develop while living with fibroids. I have forgotten what I went through, what I’ve had to overcome in my life–how I got to this point in the first place.
Before I continue on this train of thought, I will say that I have zero regrets about getting the hysterectomy. How can I regret not having such an enormous tumor growing inside me? Many of you who are suffering with fibroids think that your fibroids are large because they are the size of an orange or a grapefruit. I understand that any size fibroid is a problem. But I was one of the extreme cases. My fibroid was massive. I often looked like I was close to being ready to give birth. I saw some of the pictures yesterday and I was horrified. It really hit me what I was living with for so many years. And I shuddered at the thought that I could still be living with it. Or that I might have died by now due to not getting it removed. More than one doctor felt that eventually the fibroid would cause my death due to its massive size. And my lack of regret isn’t just because I no longer have to worry about dying on account of having a massive tumor growing inside me. I feel like the hysterectomy gave me a second chance at life. It changed my life in ways that my life desperately needed to change. And no part of menopause is so unpleasant as to leave me conflicted about the matter at any point in time. On the contrary, I am beyond thankful that I am not going through that hell every month. And there are other ways in which I have been freed that make the idea of regret silly.
If you’re struggling with your decision to have a hysterectomy or not, I can’t make any suggestions to you what to do. All I can say is that I was emphatic in my opposition to the idea. I refused to do it when I was first told that the fibroid was so big it could possibly compromise my life. I was too afraid. So I spent the next several years trying to shrink my fibroid using natural remedies. There were times when I thought some of the remedies were working. But then things started to go haywire. I probably would have still refused the surgery, but I was told there were signs I might have ovarian cancer. And that the only way to know would be to perform a surgical evaluation. At that point I made the decision to just go ahead and do the surgery. And I decided that, regardless what they found, I wanted to remove my ovaries as well. Because I did not want to ever again have to go through what I had gone through for nearly 10 years. My decision was the right decision for me. Doesn’t mean it will be the right decision for you. If you’re still in your thirties or early forties for example, a drastic procedure such as what I had done might not be the best idea. It’s already a hugely life changing thing to remove your uterus. Removing your ovaries, cervix and the whole works, it’s going to change your life on an even bigger scale. So you definitely want to be certain that you have no other options before going that route.
As for me, like I said, I have no regrets. Although my life has been changed, what I have lost is nothing compared with what I have gained. In fact, much of what I have lost are things that were keeping me unhappy, lacking in self esteem, lacking in confidence and always filled with fear. And the loss of them has freed me to focus on finding myself and focus on trying to create something for myself after a lifetime of just existing and being there to perform one service or another for other people. Although I can’t sing particularly well, I have always loved to sing, and after waking up from a dream in January 2017, I decided to become a singer-songwriter. I have two singles out and an album forthcoming. Sometimes I get caught up in counting listens, likes and follows and all that nonsense and I become depressed and start feeling defeated. Because no one is any more interested in me and my music than they were interested in anything else I’ve ever done trying to create a life for myself. But reading some of the posts I wrote over the years while battling fibroids, it reminds me what the bleep I’ve been through in my life, starting all the way back in my young childhood before I was even seven years old. To be at this point, to have found the courage to pursue something I love–something that fills me with joy–it’s not a small matter. And I can’t allow myself to become defeated and to quit on myself just because no one is interested in my work. I’ve come this far in my life never being able to win over a single person. Because people don’t care for my vibe. They judge me without knowing who I am, and they decide they don’t like me for one reason or another. What can I do about that? There’s really nothing I can do about that. I have to stay focused on the journey. I have to keep marching on even if I am the only soldier in my army. And so, on I march.
I wish peace to all of you who are reading. If you’ve gotten to this point, and you’re feeling me in any small way, thank you for understand. I hope I’ve said something that helps you. If not, what can I say? We’ve all got to figure out our own stuff. And I wish you all the best in figuring out whatever it is you’re trying to figure out.