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Life after fibroids – update May 28 2018

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monica may 2018

Hi, I know, it’s been a while since I wrote a post. I don’t have fibroids any more so maintaining the website is a little bit hard. But I’m hoping to come back to it starting with this blog post. Recently I read some of my old posts on this blog and it reminded me of what I went through from 2007 when I discovered that I had fibroids until 2016 when I had a hysterectomy. I needed that reminder; because I’ve been so caught up lately in trying to make something happen for myself with my singing and songwriter “career”, that I’ve lost touch with this version of Monica. And frankly, I think this version of Monica was in a more honest place mentally and emotionally than the singer, songwriter Monica is in at present.

This blog once served to help keep me focused on a goal of mental, emotional and physical wellness. It helped me figure things out about my life and about myself. And I believe that in large part due to my experiences with fibroids, struggling for almost ten years of my life to deal with everything that came with the situation, and using this blog as a way of coping, fighting and trying to find myself, I became strong enough and confident enough to begin this next chapter of pursuing my singing and songwriting interests. But, in trying to create a new persona for the sake of keeping up social media appearances, I have lost some of that confidence and self understanding and self acceptance that I was forced to nurture and develop while living with fibroids. I have forgotten what I went through, what I’ve had to overcome in my life–how I got to this point in the first place.

Before I continue on this train of thought, I will say that I have zero regrets about getting the hysterectomy. How can I regret not having such an enormous tumor growing inside me? Many of you who are suffering with fibroids think that your fibroids are large because they are the size of an orange or a grapefruit. I understand that any size fibroid is a problem. But I was one of the extreme cases. My fibroid was massive. I often looked like I was close to being ready to give birth. I saw some of the pictures yesterday and I was horrified. It really hit me what I was living with for so many years. And I shuddered at the thought that I could still be living with it. Or that I might have died by now due to not getting it removed. More than one doctor felt that eventually the fibroid would cause my death due to its massive size. And my lack of regret isn’t just because I no longer have to worry about dying on account of having a massive tumor growing inside me. I feel like the hysterectomy gave me a second chance at life. It changed my life in ways that my life desperately needed to change. And no part of menopause is so unpleasant as to leave me conflicted about the matter at any point in time. On the contrary, I am beyond thankful that I am not going through that hell every month. And there are other ways in which I have been freed that make the idea of regret silly.

If you’re struggling with your decision to have a hysterectomy or not, I can’t make any suggestions to you what to do. All I can say is that I was emphatic in my opposition to the idea. I refused to do it when I was first told that the fibroid was so big it could possibly compromise my life. I was too afraid. So I spent the next several years trying to shrink my fibroid using natural remedies. There were times when I thought some of the remedies were working. But then things started to go haywire. I probably would have still refused the surgery, but I was told there were signs I might have ovarian cancer. And that the only way to know would be to perform a surgical evaluation. At that point I made the decision to just go ahead and do the surgery. And I decided that, regardless what they found, I wanted to remove my ovaries as well. Because I did not want to ever again have to go through what I had gone through for nearly 10 years. My decision was the right decision for me. Doesn’t mean it will be the right decision for you. If you’re still in your thirties or early forties for example, a drastic procedure such as what I had done might not be the best idea. It’s already a hugely life changing thing to remove your uterus. Removing your ovaries, cervix and the whole works, it’s going to change your life on an even bigger scale. So you definitely want to be certain that you have no other options before going that route.

As for me, like I said, I have no regrets. Although my life has been changed, what I have lost is nothing compared with what I have gained. In fact, much of what I have lost are things that were keeping me unhappy, lacking in self esteem, lacking in confidence and always filled with fear. And the loss of them has freed me to focus on finding myself and focus on trying to create something for myself after a lifetime of just existing and being there to perform one service or another for other people. Although I can’t sing particularly well, I have always loved to sing, and after waking up from a dream in January 2017, I decided to become a singer-songwriter. I have two singles out and an album forthcoming. Sometimes I get caught up in counting listens, likes and follows and all that nonsense and I become depressed and start feeling defeated. Because no one is any more interested in me and my music than they were interested in anything else I’ve ever done trying to create a life for myself. But reading some of the posts I wrote over the years while battling fibroids, it reminds me what the bleep I’ve been through in my life, starting all the way back in my young childhood before I was even seven years old. To be at this point, to have found the courage to pursue something I love–something that fills me with joy–it’s not a small matter. And I can’t allow myself to become defeated and to quit on myself just because no one is interested in my work. I’ve come this far in my life never being able to win over a single person. Because people don’t care for my vibe. They judge me without knowing who I am, and they decide they don’t like me for one reason or another. What can I do about that? There’s really nothing I can do about that. I have to stay focused on the journey. I have to keep marching on even if I am the only soldier in my army. And so, on I march.

I wish peace to all of you who are reading. If you’ve gotten to this point, and you’re feeling me in any small way, thank you for understand. I hope I’ve said something that helps you. If not, what can I say? We’ve all got to figure out our own stuff. And I wish you all the best in figuring out whatever it is you’re trying to figure out.

Happy Holidays and Best wishes for a fibroid free 2017

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monica december 2016 happy holidays
Posing in front of my Christmas tree December 11, 2016 - Happy to be fibroid free (as of March 7th 2016) and wishing the same for all of you in 2017

Just a quick note to wish you all a joyous and happy holiday season. As you know, I have been fibroid free since March 7th 2016. I did not become fibroid free by shrinking my fibroids naturally. I became fibroid free as a result of undergoing a hysterectomy.

While it would have been nice to have been able to achieve my goal of shrinking my fibroids naturally, it became necessary for me to risk the surgery I had been trying so hard to avoid. So although I did not succeed in shrinking my fibroids naturally, my ultimate goal to become fibroid free has been achieved.

It is not my place to tell any of you what to do. Everyone’s situation is different and you have to make the choice that is right for you. I resisted the idea of surgery for a long time although the doctors felt it was critical that I get the procedure done, given the size of my fibroids. I was able to live with very large fibroids for many years; but for all the years of living with the fibroids, I was uncomfortable and unhappy. I am glad to be free from the discomfort and the unhappiness of having such large fibroids as I had. Yes, now I am dealing with being in menopause as a result of having my ovaries removed. And yes, waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat, having zero sex drive, getting unbearably hot countless times throughout the day, these things are NOT pleasant. But they are nothing compared to what I was dealing with before the surgery.

I’m happy to no longer have to deal with fibroids, and I wish for all of you that one way or another, whether by successfully shrinking them via natural means or by removing them via surgery, that you will find yourself fibroid free in 2017.

Lime Lemon water life

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Lime Zest

Lime lemon water life: I am not a huge water drinker. I try to get into the habit of drinking the requisite 8 cups of water daily but it never sticks. I’m trying again to get that habit to stick. I am also trying to get into the habit of using limes and lemons more regularly as the are supposedly helpful in fighting the symptoms of menopause, including hot flashes which continue to be very bothersome. The title ‘Lime Lemon water life” didn’t really have any meaning when I wrote it. But as I thought about it, I realized it can become a sort of mantra for me as I continue to focus on my goal of good health.

Lime lemon water life – recently I started dropping slices of lime and/or lemon and the rind of either or both into my water to make it easier for me to drink the water.

Lime lemon water lifeI figure repeating the mantra lime lemon water life will keep it in my head and help me to remember how beneficial water limes and lemons are to health. This way I can remember every day to have a few bottles of lime and/or lemon infused water.

If you’re curious to know the general health benefits of limes and lemons please do your own research. There’s plenty of information out there for you to wade through. Maybe you’ll come to the decision that it’s all more of the unending list of nonsense about the health benefits of everything from cloud mist to dirt, or maybe you’ll conclude that it’s something you want to put to the test for yourself if you’re not already consuming limes and/or lemons in some form daily.

If you don’t have the time to make lemonade with your life’s lemons, just drink the juice straight from the lemon(or lime) and if you dare, eat some of the skin. It might help to improve your mental health to where you’re functioning well enough to take on the world like you’re Beyonce.

And they say lime and lemon juice as well as the zest of the lime and lemon can help with fibroids. But don’t believe them when they suggest just drinking lemon or lime juice or eating the rind will help you get rid of your fibroids.

lime-lemon-water-life-slices-of-limeIf you’ve followed this blog for while you know that I tried many remedies for many years trying to shrink my fibroids. And I ended up still having to get a hysterectomy in March of this year (2016). So be mindful if you’re trying to shrink your fibroids naturally. If they are very big, like mine were, it could prove to be difficult to impossible to find a natural remedy that will work to truly shrink them.

But it’s worth it to try. For me, the years invested trying to shrink my fibroids naturally were not wasted, even though I ended up getting a hysterectomy. I was able to get myself back on the path to good health. And at the age of 46 I am looking the best I have in more than a decade.

Good luck in your efforts to shrink your fibroids, but more importantly, I wish you good health overall. It’s possible to be strong and healthy and happy even with fibroids. If you read through this blog you will see the evidence that you can improve your life and your health significantly even if you never achieve your ultimate goals. My ultimate goal was to shrink my fibroids naturally. I tried for years and in the process of trying I added value to my life from which I am still benefiting today. Yes, I made the decision to listen to my doctors and get a hysterectomy due to concerns about cancer. I don’t regret that decision. But before I took that avenue to freedom from fibroids, I lived with very large fibroids. And I was able to manage my situation pretty well (most of the time) by focusing on my overall health and wellness.

So don’t center everything around your fibroids. Center everything around your core and your brain–what you feed your body and what you feed your mind.

Because your core and your brain are your sources of power over everything that undermines your physical, mental and emotional well-being.

 

 

8 month update post hysterectomy

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abstract-october-31-2016

Hello, I know it has been a long time since I’ve updated the site. You probably thought I had my hysterectomy and went off on an 8-month vacation to celebrate no longer having fibroids. In fact, I have been struggling and continue to struggle to adjust to being in menopause. (I had my ovaries removed during the hysterectomy)

Remember when I was going through the worst of the fibroid situation I wrote how I would welcome menopause? Well, menopause is a lot harder than I anticipated. But I won’t pretend I’d rather have the fibroids back. I don’t regret that I went ahead and got the surgery after so many years resisting out of fear. I don’t even regret the decision to go ahead and take everything out (ovaries specifically). But I would have to admit that the decision to go into instant menopause is life changing.

The hot flashes

I suffered terribly with hot flashes for many months after surgery. They were constant and they were bad. I spent most of my days naked in bed, which might sound sexy except that it’s not sexy at all. It’s horrible. But I am starting to get a little bit of relief now that I’ve started taking some supplements. I still get hot flashes but nothing to complain about by comparison to what I went through for seven months.

The depression

I have been struggling with depression since the surgery. It has been affecting all aspects of my life. I’ve been trying to battle it by keeping up with my health and fitness regimen and by trying to stay on top of my work. But it has been difficult. By choice I don’t take medication for depression, so I’ve had to be toughing it out. But toughing it out and fighting it are not the same thing. And I’ve not been fighting it necessarily. It’s been difficult to find the energy to do the extra stuff that’s necessary to battle depression on your own.

But the fact that I have actually written this post is a good sign. Because I have tried to write this post so many times in the last few months, but I just could not find enough desire to take this first step towards getting back on my feet.

That is not to say I’ve just been lying around wallowing in depression. I’ve tried to stay active. But I have not been as focused and determined as I need to be, and that is entirely because I am finding it very hard to figure out this new stage of life.

Where to go from here?

I honestly don’t know what lies ahead for me. I will be turning 46 in a couple of weeks. 46 is not an age where you’re just beginning life. It’s an age where you’re supposed to have already figured everything out. You’re supposed to have already accomplished your goals and dreams. But here I am, nothing really figured out and nothing really accomplished. At this stage in my life, with the changes that the surgery has brought about, it feels more urgent that it’s now or never to figure things out. It almost feels like it’s too late to expect to accomplish anything, but the mind is resistant to the idea of accepting that it’s time to quit trying to ‘make something of myself’ and just focus on making the most of what I have. Maybe if I had anything at all that would be something worthwhile to consider; but it feels like I lost years of my life to one thing or another. And I never had a chance to become what I could have become. But what could I have become? Maybe my sister was right all along to accuse me of having delusions of grandeur. Maybe where I am is where I was going to be no matter what path I took. Maybe what little I have is all I would have had no matter how much harder I might have worked. Maybe the only power I have is the power to program my mind to accept and believe that this is enough. And if I can accept and believe that this is enough then I can be grateful for it and stop torturing myself by thinking there should be more.

I don’t know. Part of me feels like I need to treat this like a second chance. And by ‘this’ I mean the surgery. Because I’m still struck by disbelief sometimes. I never thought I would ever get rid of the fibroids. I hoped they might shrink after menopause in a few years, but even then, from what I’d been reading, they don’t go away and they don’t completely shrink. So I could only have hoped for some shrinkage. Instead I got them completely removed. After nearly a decade living with my body altered by large fibroids, and not believing I would ever have my real body back, I have my real body back. And I want to make the most of it while I still have time. Some will say I’m already out of time. But I prefer to take my inspiration from people who don’t put limits on themselves based on age.

So I am planning to (or I should say hoping to) create a new character for me to play in this next phase of my life. In the story of my life I have played many roles. And all the roles I have played have seen me dealing depression, low self esteem, no confidence in myself, no courage to be myself, shame over one thing or another. I think for a change I would like to play a character who has high self esteem, is full of self confidence, who has the courage to try things and who feels no shame over anything.

Maybe it will prove to be impossible for me to change my life at this point. I don’t know. What I do know is that I would rather try (again) and fail (again), than not bother to try just because I’ve tried and failed so many times before. So stay tuned…

 

Moving on from fibroids

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Midwest sky Thursday March 17 2016

On Monday March 7th 2016 I had a hysterectomy. A large fibroid mass was removed from me that was described as being the size of a small turkey. It measured 30cm in length and judging from the description I was given, was nearly as deep as it was wide. In addition to the large firbroid there were multiple other fibroids found and removed along with my uterus, ovaries, cervix and fallopian tubes.

I’ve explained in previous posts the reason I decided to go ahead and undergo a hysterectomy after resisting for so many years. But for the benefit of anyone who might not have read my previous posts, I had a CT scan done on January 20th 2016 and there were concerns raised about possible ovarian cancer. Those concerns had been raised last year due to the results of a CA-125 blood test, but I had been assured by the gynecological oncologist that, while my numbers were out of the normal range, they were not so far out as to be particularly alarming. Furthermore, many other things could have caused the elevated number, and since many of those other things happened to be things that were going on with me at the time, I decided not to go through with the hysterectomy that had been scheduled for February 2015.

Advance to January 2016 and the way the doctor phrased her findings following the CT scan that was performed on the 20th, I was convinced enough of the need to go through with the procedure once and for all. There were concerns raised that the larger mass visible in the scan imagery was coming from an ovary, and if that was the case, while it was still possibly benign there was an equal chance that it could be malignant. There was mention of fluid in the abdomen, something that is apparently more common to find when there is cancer present. There was mention of other soft tissue and a reference to other cancer possibilities linked to the soft tissue. The mass had apparently grown significantly enough between the December 2014 CT scan and the January 2016 CT scan to be “very concerning”.

Basically, the write-up made things seem very alarming and very likely to be cancer. So naturally I did not feel that I was any longer at liberty to just go with my own gut feeling that I did not have cancer and that all the other things that were happening were due to pending menopause.

It was my understanding that the only way to know if in fact I had ovarian cancer or some other kind of uterine cancer, was for the mass to be removed and tested. So I decided to go ahead and do the surgery. And I figured if I was going to take the uterus out I might as well just take the ovaries out as well regardless if it was found once they went in that my ovaries were fine.

The cancer question…

The mass turned out not to have been growing in my ovaries after all. So there was no ovarian cancer. But my ovaries were removed anyway, because I had told them to go ahead and take everything out once they went in. I figured if they were going to be in there they might as well just take out everything that could potentially cause me to have to go down this road again.

As for other types of cancer, there were none found in the mass. The mass was just an extremely large but benign degenerating uterine fibroid.

For anyone curious what is meant by “degenerating uterine fibroid”, this is what I found when I did a quick search for information about degenerating fibroids:

Via fibroidsecondopinion.com – Fibroids are living tissue, and need blood and oxygen to survive. If a fibroid grows quickly, blood vessels feeding the fibroid may not be able to grow fast enough to supply the new tissue with enough blood and oxygen. If this happens, the fibroid undergoes a process called degeneration, or cell death. As the cells in the fibroid die, chemical substances are released that cause pain and swelling in the uterus. This pain may be severe but is not usually associated with any serious problems. If these chemical substances from a degenerating fibroid reach the bloodstream, they may cause a low fever.

How I’m feeling now that I’m fibroid free

It’s early yet to discuss how it feels to be fibroid free. I am 11 days post-op as I write this. Recovery is going reasonably well, but not so well that I’ve had time for reflecting and getting in touch with myself. I suspect it will be a few more weeks before things get back to a semblance of normalcy and then I will have time for reflection. Right now it’s about pain management.

But I will say, I know that this was the right thing to do and I’m glad that I found the courage to do it. It’s hard to believe that I actually did it. I am definitely happy that I no longer have that huge mass growing inside me. I never really imagined that it could ever come out. I had made up my mind to live with it for the next several years and hope that menopause would fix it. So to no longer have it inside me seems a little unreal.

But while I’m happy to no longer have the fibroid growths, I do feel a little weird when I read the pathology report and realize that my body parts were taken out and cut up and examined and, I assume, subsequently thrown out. I’m not sure what to expect going forward. I’m not sure what it’s going to mean (how it’s going to play out in my daily life) that I don’t have a uterus, I don’t have ovaries, I don’t have a cervix and I don’t have fallopian tubes. Not that when I had them I was aware of them or knew of any direct benefit to my life from having them. But will not having them be the same as having them? In other words, will it go as unnoticed that I don’t have them as it went unnoticed that I did?

It remains to be seen how this surgery will affect my life going forward. For now I am trying to get to a point where I can walk at a normal pace and with a fully upright body.

I still have the staples and sutures. The incision was nearly 11 inches in length. It starts high up in my chest and ends below my pelvis. It is sewn together in such a way that I will always have an 11-inch fleshy scar running the length of my belly. But I won’t complain about it. I am happy to be alive.

Surgery was successful

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Monica thursday morning january 21 2016

Hello all, I just wanted to let you know that surgery was successful. I am still in the hospital. My stay is intended to be 3-5 days. I suppose technically this was day one.

According to the surgeon, what they removed from me was something the size of a small turkey that had other masses attached to it. The mass was not in fact growing in the ovary. It is still not known, however, if the mass is malignant. Testing is being done and I will have that answer soon.

In the meantime, I have now officially had a hysterectomy and oophorectomy. I was cut open from above the navel down into the pelvis. I am in a great deal of pain as can be expected but the pain is being controlled with an excessive amount of medication.

The whole thing hasn’t really hit home yet. I guess it won’t hit until I see my unbandaged belly for the first time. Right now everything is just a mess of wires and tubes, pain and the weirdness of being in a hospital as an overnight patient.

I will add more to this after I wake up in the morning. Struggling to keep my eyes open right now.

next morning…

Well I had written a great deal more earlier in the morning but looks like I did not save it properly so it’s been lost. I think I was just talking about what it’s like being in the hospital. I’ve mentioned in other posts that I generally avoid anything that requires a great deal of ‘real world’ interaction with people. I live like an agoraphobic. I hesitate to call myself an actual agoraphobic but I do live like one for the most part. So this experience is weird and uncomfortable and I can’t wait for it to be over. But I recognize the necessity of it and the need for me to grow up and just deal with it. And minus one little glitch yesterday I think I’ve done a great job.

 

 

Surgery countdown – 16 days to go

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monica saturday february 20 2016
monica saturday february 20 2016

I am scheduled for a hysterectomy and oophorectomy on March 7th. I would be lying if I said I’m not scared. There’s a reason I have been resisting getting the procedure done for so many years, but I am no longer in a position to take the risk of continuing to live with my fibroids. Like I said in a previous post, there is a concern that the larger mass that is causing the swelling of my abdomen is not a fibroid, but rather a tumor that is growing inside my ovary. It could be benign, but it could also be malignant. Either way, there is no way to know without removing it. So I have made up my mind to do the surgery. And yes, I am very scared, but I know I cannot allow being scared to influence me to change my mind.

It’s kind of interesting how I’ve been living so long with large tumors in my stomach that I have come to a point where I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to not have them. I’ve normalized this abnormal condition to where the thought that I should ever again have a stomach that isn’t swollen full with tumors is hard to imagine and hard to accept as being fitting, deserving and right. Isn’t it ridiculous that I should think I deserve to have tumors growing in my stomach that are so large they require me to drastically alter my life in order to accommodate them? Yet, part of me feels like I don’t deserve to be without this problem. How sad and sick is it to think that it’s somehow a bad thing to be happy at the prospect of a life without an womb filled with tumors that compromise my health and well-being? Why should I believe that I don’t deserve peace of mind, comfort, joy and better health?

As hard as I have been trying for the last several years to improve my life, and as much improvement as I have realized, the fact remains that at my core I have been unwell for many decades. And for the last ten years that unwellness has manifested itself in the form of ugly, hungry tumors that seem determined to eventually kill me.

I can’t keep indulging these sick thoughts that allow me to keep myself in unhealthy situations. I’ve been doing that my entire life, accepting misery and pain as my lot in life, convincing myself that it’s somehow wrong of me to want better and to think that I deserve better than what I have. I have spent my entire life suppressing myself, keeping myself down on account of one irrational fear or another. I keep claiming to want more out of life, yet I keep robbing myself of chances to get more out of life. I’ve been running and hiding since I was a child. Here I am now 45 years old. I don’t exactly have time on my side for fulfilling my goals and dreams. And this thing with my stomach, it’s robbing me of precious time and energy. And I have a choice to fix it. I have this chance to get rid of one of the biggest obstacles standing between me and a better, healthier life. Will I choose to listen to voices in my head that want me to believe that freedom from this condition is too special a gift for me?

Yes, I am terrified. Some days I’m more than just terrified; but I have to do this. I can’t succumb to my fears.

 

 

Shrinking fibroids – what’s the real truth?

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Sunday morning February 7th 2016 midwest sky
Sunday morning February 7th 2016 midwest sky

Hello, good morning. Happy Sunday. I hope things are going well for you in your efforts to shrink your fibroids.

If you’ve read my most recent posts then you know that I am scheduled to have a hysterectomy and Oopherectomy on Monday March 7th 2016. And if you’ve been following my blog for a while watching to see if I ever manage to shrink my fibroids naturally, then this new development might disappoint a bit. After all these years and so many different things tried, being sure at some points that I was achieving success, here I am right back where I started and now with no choice but to go forward with the surgery I was hoping to avoid.

What does this mean? Does it mean that it’s not possible to shrink fibroids naturally? Since other people say they have done it, I will not come to the conclusion that it cannot be done just because my efforts at doing it failed. In the years since I started on this mission to shrink my fibroids naturally, I enjoyed long stretches of time where my situation was manageable. While my fibroids never really shrank per se, I was able to regain some control over the situation so that I wasn’t walking around looking and feeling like a bloated blimp all the time.

I believe that it’s possible that some people do have success in getting their fibroids to shrink naturally; but then there are cases like mine. In the first place, it is not known if the larger mass in my abdomen is in fact a fibroid. Apparently, it is so large it was compared to a bowling ball by the doctor who will be performing the surgery on March 7th. He made the remark that I will feel much better when I’m not walking around with a bowling ball in my stomach. So whether it’s a fibroid or not, there’s no disputing that it’s extremely large. And the size of it is such that it appears to now be impacting on some of my other organs in damaging ways.

So the situation for me is a little bit more serious at this stage. I might be trying to shrink a tumor that cannot be shrunken, thinking it’s a fibroid when it’s not. Even if it is a fibroid, it’s way too big for me to have any hope of being able to shrink it using any natural remedy. I’ve tried for several years, and I remain happy that I was able to manage the situation as well as I was able to do. Because they told me in 2009 that my situation was urgent and the hysterectomy needed to happen within weeks. It’s 2016 and between 2009 and now I had some of the better years since this issue started. I had a good long stretch for a period between 2012-2014. Then I had that emergency situation at the end 2014. But I got things under control again and had a pretty good 2015.

I’m sure I could continue on in the same way and be able to say that things were under control in 2016; but now we’re talking about the possibility of cancer. And although even the surgeon has said he’s inclined to doubt it will turn out to be cancer, it would be the height of irresponsibility for me to choose to gamble with my life. I realize I’m gambling with my life either way. Having the surgery is a risk  and not having it is a risk.

Interestingly, since January 20th when they did the CT scan I’ve been having difficulties with my stomach. Not sure what that’s about, but the discomfort has been extreme, almost as if the mass is in a growth phase and not slowing down. The results of the January 20th 2016 CT scan showed that between December 2014 and January 2016, the mass grew quite a bit. Of course it’s not possible to tell at what point during this time the growth happened. But from my experience I did not have the kind of discomfort I am experiencing right now where I’m back to having my sleep affected by the pressure of the mass in my upper chest. So the timing of this is interesting to say the least.

But what is clear, is that however things may have looked to me judging my situation by the fit of my clothes, what I was seeing was not reflecting what was going on in reality. And if the mass in my abdomen is allowed to continue growing, this situation could become quite dangerous even with cancer taken out of the equation. So the conclusion I have reached is that these things need to be removed because they are not shrinking. Far from that, they are growing and there’s just not enough room to house them.

If you’re trying to shrink your fibroids naturally, don’t be discouraged by my situation. I feel that I did have some success; but it was always up and down. And when you’re talking about a mass that’s comparable in size to a bowling ball and that goes through growth spurts, you have to be realistic. My situation has reached the point where I have to accept that there’s nothing more I can do and I can’t keep the mass in if it’s going to be growing out of control. Your situation might be different.

Good luck on your mission.

Surgery scheduled for March 7th

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monica january 27th 2016

Yesterday’s visit to the gynecological oncologist went reasonably well I suppose. No further testing was done. No examinations etc. It went more or less the same as last year when I thought I had been sent to him in order to get a cancer screening; but it turned out I was mistaken and they had only sent me for a surgery consultation.

He basically just said immediately upon entering the room, “well, it’s really about whether you want to get the surgery or not.”

I had to ask about the cancer concerns that were raised by the doctor who ordered the CT scan. After all those scary things we read, and after her followup message to my follow-up inquiry which was basically that the mass appeared to be coming from the ovary and that due to the fluid in the abdomen and other present soft tissue in addition to the increase in size of the mass, cancer was a concern, this doctor made it seem as if cancer wasn’t much of a concern at all. Like I said, I had to bring that up. He wasn’t even going to mention cancer at all. And he went so far to say that the mass appears to be coming from the uterus, which is completely different from what the other doctor said.

I have to admit that I find this doctor a bit blasé in his approach. My son was present with me and asked some questions and at one point the doctor responded by saying “no one else wanted to do it.” He was talking about the surgery. He was saying that the size of the mass was such that it increased the surgery risks. My son was trying to get him to further elaborate on that and he laughingly said, “no one else wanted to do it.” In other words, at least as we interpreted it, the surgery will be so risky that the normal department that would have done it didn’t want to do it and sent me over to him.

The impression that I was under both last year and now was that the cancer concerns were the reason I was referred to him. So that’s more than a little bit disconcerting to be totally honest. But what choice do I have at this point? If this thing continues to grow it seems it could cost me my life one way or another. I can’t afford to concern myself with the doctor’s questionable bedside manner. They say he’s an excellent surgeon, and if the surgery is going to be as risky as they suggest then what I need most isn’t a nice, humane surgeon but a competent surgeon. Ideally I would have a competent surgeon who is also nice and humane; but all I need is to come through this thing in one piece.

Anyway, if I dwell on this too much I will start to slip into a frame of mind that will not be in any way helpful to me. I have to believe that this will work out the way it should. I clearly can no longer avoid the surgery. And I’m not in a position to pick and choose. And it wouldn’t matter if I had a surgeon who was all mollifying and going the extra mile to pacify me. He would be no more genuinely invested in my welfare than the current surgeon who’s clearly not in the business of hand-holding and reassuring people like me. He deals daily with people who need his comfort and assurances far more than some irresponsible woman with a bowling ball sized tumor in her gut who should have had it removed ages ago but keeps wasting everybody’s time because she’s afraid. If I want to be a pathetic little baby and risk my life in the process, that’s my choice. I can’t fault him for not being interested in wasting his time trying to reassure me and my kid that all will be well. That’s not his job.

 

Another Sunday morning in the life

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midwest morning sky sunday january 31 2016

There have been times in my life when I was fearless enough to do what I had to do…

Hello, good morning, how are you? I am doing well at this moment. I am still waiting to have my appointment on the 3rd of February to schedule the hysterectomy. In case you haven’t read my previous posts, I went in for a CT scan on the 20th of January, and the results were concerning. According to what I have been told, there are indications that in addition to the fibroids I could have a very large mass originating from my ovary which could be malignant. In other words, I could have ovarian cancer, but there is no way to get an official diagnosis without performing a surgical evaluation.

So I have no choice other than to get the hysterectomy I’ve been trying to avoid. Mine would be a complete hysterectomy removing ovaries etc. Needless to say things have been unsettled since. I go through moments of panic at the thought, but I am working consciously every day at trying to keep myself under control.

Each day has it’s up moments and it’s down moments. The down moments usually happen when I start to experience things that could possibly be symptoms. These are things I’ve experienced for a while now but I did not have any reason to think twice about them. Now, every time I feel a little uncomfortable my mind starts filling up with thoughts that lead to fear and my mood takes a downward spiral. But I think that I am doing pretty well as far as maintaining some semblance of calm and reason. After all, there is only a “concern” that I might have ovarian cancer. It is entirely possible that I don’t. So why should I chose to spend the time while waiting to find out living in fear and panic at the thought that I “might”.

I need to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t feeling unwell before getting the CT scan results. My primary concerns were other test results that seemed to indicate I could have another concerning health problem not related to my uterus. Physically I was feeling fine. 2015 was a good year for the most part. So much so that I was able to neglect this blog for 6 months. My body wasn’t causing me any issues that I felt the need to write about. I was having fun. My stomach wasn’t flat but it was small enough that I could belt my waist. I had every reason to believe things were improving.

monica November 2015
monica November 2015

 

monica thursday morning January 21 2016 white shirt black skirt
monica thursday morning January 21 2016 white shirt black skirt

So to be told that the mass has actually grown in size since the previous CT scan a year ago has been disappointing. And the growth isn’t small. But I want to believe that the explanation lies in the way they measure the mass. When I went in for the CT scan this last time I was just days from my cycle starting and my stomach was enlarged. I want to believe their method for measuring the mass is to go from where it appears to begin and ends going vertically and horizontally. And in my experience with these monsters in my stomach, they are sometimes pushing out further across (horizontally) and further up (vertically) than usual. Typically during the lead up to my cycle).

I know I seem to be grasping at strings; but I believe there are a lot of x-factors that come into play in the reality of living with these tumors that don’t come into play when you’re at the doctor and they’re running tests on you and interpreting the test results.

But I have made up my mind that this is not something with which I can any longer take chances. I have to get the surgical evaluation. I’ll leave it at that.

Peace and good health to all.