Have been fooling around all day with the toe shoes. Fibroids are a little smaller today. Probably look about 4 months pregnant right now. 4 days ago I was looking about 6 to 7 months pregnant. The difference between then and now: 1) Cycle ending (2) On day 4 of a no solids stretch.
I’ve been trying to put in at least 30 minutes with the toe shoes every day and doing some specialized crunches with my 15 pound weight bar. In addition to the toe work and weight bar I have been doing various other stomach-strengthening focused motions that I execute at random moments throughout the day while walking through my apartment or while sitting at my desk. The benefit to my mind so far has been amazing. I won’t claim any benefit in the appearance of my stomach as it’s still too early; but the breathing techniques I have to apply in order to contract my stomach muscles while going through the strengthening motions, and the motions themselves, work wonders. I am left with a feeling of calm and control and power–like I can accomplish just about anything. Of course I have to keep this up to continue to gain this benefit. And the feeling of calm and control and power doesn’t last all day long; but I’ll savor every of these moments of feeling my most incredibly strong.
Life is moving along I suppose. I am trying not to focus on the negative. It is not easy because there are so many things that are not what I would like them to be; but nothing is going to change itself and in order for me to change anything I have to maintain the belief that I have the power and the ability to change my life and make things happen for myself. I’ve done it before and I have to keep on believing that I can and I will do it again. Sometimes I doubt myself because I start to think of myself in terms of what I fear this person thinks or that person thinks. I lose my motivation because I convince myself that I’m wasting my time trying to prove something that cannot be proven because it simply isn’t true. For example, I sometimes think that I have talent as a song writer and I go through spells where I start working on songs. In the last couple of years I actually managed to finish two songs (as in finish composing the melody and writing the lyrics). I was very proud of my achievement; but I allowed myself to question the point of spending hours upon hours working on composing songs on account of a friend to whom I sent my two songs. This gentleman didn’t seem to appreciate the magnitude of my accomplishment. His feedback was so bored and disinterested that I came away thinking I must be completely deluded to think I had any talent worthy of being developed. And I quit working on my songs. This is the way it has always been with me. I’ve given up on one thing or another because other people didn’t seem to think I had what it took. I wanted to be a dancer but I didn’t pursue that dream because I was afraid people wouldn’t be impressed and I was afraid of making a fool of myself. I gave up on my dream to be a writer after collecting rejection letter upon rejection letter for everything I ever sent out. I didn’t believe in my talent as an artist because this person or that person wasn’t particularly impressed with my work so I didn’t pursue that either. I used to think I could sing but people didn’t seem to agree so that interest faltered as well. I wanted to be a model but people thought that was the funniest joke of all so I crawled into my hole to hide for shame.
As far as my songs go, I did pick them back up then quit on them again several times over the last two years; and as of a few days ago, I’ve picked them back up again. Maybe my songs will suck to anybody who happens somehow to hear them; but they don’t suck to me. They are my songs. I wrote them. They are pieces of me. So I am back on again with trying to get these two songs to the point where I can call them truly finished (successfully recorded and radio ready). The one on which I am presently working is tentatively titled “I’ll Hold You Through”.