I woke up around 4:20AM today feeling sick to my stomach. I slept on the couch last night. I figure there’s no point trying to put up appearances or trying to keep the truth about my life hidden for fear of being made to feel ashamed. It gets to be a little bit bothersome when people try to force you to feel what they think you should feel about the mistakes you have made in your life. Sometimes I get reminded about things I haven’t thought about in years–things that are long behind me–these things are brought up in a way as if they are blemishes on the record of my life instead of just things that happened a long time ago that have nothing to do with anything today. “Now” is hard enough to deal with. Why am I going to choose to carry around past mistakes in some giant bag of shame?
I’ve been through a lot in my life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes through all the stages of my life. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in my life is a mistake with which I continue to live every day, and so it does cause me problems in my present. That mistake was in my choice of a life partner. But I’ll address the condition of my fibroids first before I get into any of that.
I had been enjoying a flatter stomach for the last couple of weeks; but today there is a lot of stress and tension and it’s definitely affecting the fibroids. Like I said I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. My system has been offset by some things that are going on in my life. I am having various symptoms of intestinal discomfort and my fibroids are hard as rocks as a result. But my stomach is still not as huge as it was a few weeks ago. I have been using apple cider vinegar again. I’ve been putting 2 – 3 tablespoons in my tea. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the improvement but I’m hoping.
I have continued to alternate between eating solid food and not eating solid food. I admit I had about 3 or 4 days in a row of eating solids. That’s not supposed to be happening. I’m supposed to be doing only 2-3 days of solid food; but it’s a process. I avoided solids yesterday and hope to avoid solids again today; but I have no idea how today is going to play itself out because some stuff is going on in my life and I’m sort of holding my breath not knowing what’s coming next.
I’m very scared about my immediate future right now. I need to get a divorce but I don’t have any money to take care of myself, and I’m not in a strong place mentally and emotionally. To be financially insolvent, mentally and emotionally unstable–I’m not sure it’s the ideal time to get divorced. But then there’s probably no ideal time to get divorced. And I might have no say in the split up anyway. He might get himself arrested and thrown in jail like he did back in 2005 and then I won’t have any choice but to find a way to adjust. And once this is over that’s going to be it for me. I’m 43 years old now and I have lost my looks. 43, run-down looking and lacking an interesting personality–I won’t be able to find a new man. Not that having a man is so critical; but it’s been a long time that I’ve been in a relationship and it’s going to be hard adjusting to being divorced and harder to get used to the idea that I will probably never even go out on a date again.
I’ve been so stupid. I guess I deserve what I get.
