How I faced one of my fears today

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    picture of a moth

    I am afraid of bugs–particularly bugs that fly. I am especially afraid of them when they get inside my apartment; and the bigger they are the more terrified I am of them. I will run screaming. A little over half hour ago I went to the kitchen to get something to drink and something flew at me. Instinctively I ran screaming; but as I was running I realized there’s no one around to kill the bug for me. And if I run upstairs and lock myself in the bedroom, I won’t know where the bug goes and I’ll be afraid to go back downstairs.

    So I quickly grabbed the throw that’s spread over the back of the couch. My plan is to try to swat the bug. But it’s flying around really wildly and I’m terrified. I’m standing there trying to be ready to swat it but nine-tenths of my mind is focused on making sure I can make a run for it if the bug gets too close to me. I have no idea what it is. It looks like a moth but it seems to have much stronger wings than one would expect a moth to have.

    Out of the corner of my eye I spot a can of ant spray. I figure if I can just get to where it’s staying in one general area I can start spraying like a maniac. I know because it’s ant spray and not flying insect spray it’s going to take some time to get it to fall.

    When it’s a good enough distance away from me I step close enough and start spraying. I know I have to keep my finger on the depressor and just keep spraying until I can see that the spray is having an effect. It takes a while. The bug starts to get frenzied. It starts flying around wildly. I have to run backwards, but I know I can’t stop spraying so as I run backwards I keep my eye on it and keep on spraying. I’ve run all the way back to the staircase. I see that the bug is flying lower but it still seems pretty strong. I run up the stair case. I’m too far from it now to spray; but luckily it falls and I see where it has fallen. So I run over and spray until it stops moving altogether.

    Hmm…

    Now that I have written that out it sounds pretty cruel. I mean, I killed the bug myself so yeah for me. But I really went to town on it with the spray. I don’t know. Kind of seems like I put it through a torturous death.

    Picture of moth via pixabay.com

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    My name is Monica. I have fibroids. My fibroids are large enough that they have transformed my figure into something I am still trying to learn how to live with. In the meantime while I try to learn how to live with my fibroids I am also trying every possible method I can find to try to shrink them naturally because I am afraid of the idea of a hysterectomy. I lived with fibroids from 2007 - 2016. I started documenting my experiences on this blog in 2012. On March 7th 2016 I had a hysterectomy out of concern that I might have ovarian cancer. It did not turn out that I had ovarian cancer. The cancer scare forced the hysterectomy I was trying to avoid, and so, I became fibroid free as of March 7th 2016. I will try to keep this blog up and running in the hope that it will be of some use to others going through what I went through.

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