I once wrote in a post that it felt like my fibroids were throbbing with life. It’s been a while since I’ve had the feeling like the fibroids were throbbing as if they were living organisms with a pulse. Maybe I just haven’t been paying attention. I’m still actively trying to deactivate my fibroids. I’m resigned to the idea that I’m going to have them unless I get them removed; but I feel like you can have them without it being necessary that they take over your entire life. So I continue in my quest to take back control of my life from these tumors in my stomach.
I am on Day 14 of a 10 day fast. I set out to do a 10 day fast and decided to add 4 more days once I reached day 10. Day 14 was actually yesterday but I ate yesterday. So I am writing off yesterday and calling today Day 14. You probably can’t do that ordinarily; but my fasts aren’t typical anyway. And I figure I can make my own rules since I am not fasting to “cleanse” my body or for any of the more common reasons. In fact I probably should stop referring to what I do as fasting and just call it avoiding solid foods. So yesterday was an interruption rather than an end and today is a continuation. I will try to go for 4 more days then decide if to try for another 4 after that or quit.
I feel pretty good physically for having only eaten solid foods once in 14 days; but mentally and emotionally I’ve been struggling the last couple of days. Yesterday was particularly trying. Day before yesterday I struggled but I managed to resist the temptation to quit. Yesterday’s amount of stress was just too much and I didn’t have the will to fight to get through to day 15 without eating. I wanted to eat and so I ate.
Today I spent a lot of time practicing yoga poses. I’m working on my strength and my flexibility. I have a long way to go. My goal is to become more centered, more connected and more in control in all aspects of my life; and I feel like mastery of certain yoga poses could help me towards that goal.
All too often I feel separated and disconnected from myself–like I’m over here and over there, up there and down here all at the same time. I get so lost in my mind I can’t feel my body. Or I get so caught up in my sad feelings that I lose contact with mind.
I feel like the key to getting my life back is to become more mentally, emotionally and physically connected. This is going to be extremely difficult for me to achieve. I am already facing temptation to quit trying. Every day there’s some voice in my head telling me negative things. And if it’s not a voice in my head it’s something else that drains my energy and makes it hard to want to keep on trying to change my life. Countless times throughout the day I become deflated and unmotivated. For every burst of energy and inspiration and feeling like I can and will do this, there is the opposite–a pin prick that lets all the energy out and kills the inspiration and leaves me feeling like trying is pointless and nothing can or will ever change because I have no power to cause change that is for the better.
This journey of mine is taking off more slowly than I would like. I think that is because I am not as fully focused on it as I need to be. I have so much else going on; and I really cannot afford to have all these extra things going on distracting me from where I need to be focused. I really need to be committed to this process. I need to be 100% focused on the goal of changing my life.