So I had my appointment on the 20th, and I have been told the results yesterday (21st).
Basically I have been told that the mass in my abdomen has increased in size since the last CT Scan a year ago when I had to go to the emergency room. The way they have framed it “Although the working diagnosis for this is multiple uterine fibroids, ovarian malignancy is a concern”. Apparently there is “additional fluid in the anterior peritoneal cavity” and “apparent vascularity”. I don’t know what any of this means yet. I haven’t settled down well enough to look them up. I’ve asked to speak with the doctor; but she hasn’t returned my call as of yet. I will try to find out more once I do hear back. Specifically whether other things could cause this fluid and vascularity stuff (not as a means of continuing to try to avoid the inevitable but just to reduce the volume of the alarm bells).
The recommendation was that I needed to follow up with the surgeon they had me see last year to revisit the discussion about getting the mass removed.
I do think that this time around I must go forward with the hysterectomy. They’re not saying I have ovarian cancer; but they are saying that it’s a possibility and they will not be able to know without performing the surgery. I don’t think that I can claim to want to live and choose to take a risk that there is no cancer and so continue to refuse to do the surgery. And I want to live.
So there you have it. After all this time trying to avoid a hysterectomy, it looks like I’m going to be forced to get one in order to prevent ovarian cancer (if I don’t already have it) or hopefully to buy myself a few more years if I do.
How do I feel right now? I’m trying to stay calm. It’s not easy; but I think I’m doing reasonably well. I know that whatever lies ahead, I am going to need to be my strongest for my sake as well as for my son’s. At this present moment there is no longer a question of surgery or no. So I have to get busy re-applying for the community care program that I’m on so that I will have the funding to cover the surgery. I have to get focused on getting my anxiety under control so that I can deal with what lies ahead. I’m ready to do whatever I have to do. No looking backwards and wondering what might have been had I done this or that at this time or that time. Time to put on the suit of armor, grab the sword and the spear and go to war.
Dear mom and dad, I know I told you about this website in the past and sometimes I wonder if you stop by to visit. I’m hoping not, because I haven’t called you yet to let you know the latest developments. In case you do see this post before I’ve given you a call, I’m just not wanting to worry you, that’s why I haven’t called yet. But once I’ve had my appointment on the 3rd of February and I know what’s going to be happening going forward and when it’s going to be happening, I will call to let you know. I love you both. Thank you for being both models of strength and tenacity. I know on the outside it doesn’t appear I represent you well in that way. I have all this panic and anxiety and all these fears that have crippled me for so many years of my life; but I do think you gave me that strength and tenacity. You gave it to all of us, and the evidence is that we are all still here fighting despite everything we’ve all been through together as a family and individually.