It’s Thursday April 10th 2014. I just woke up maybe about a half hour ago. I’m still very sleepy. I didn’t get much sleep last night. It was going on one o’clock in the morning when I shut down my computer and went upstairs. I didn’t go straight to bed. I had to go take a bath in preparation for sex I did not want. I actually had a very nice bath. I didn’t want to get out of the bath actually. The water was so warm. I felt so relaxed. I could have fallen asleep in the bath but then, as you can imagine, I probably would not be alive to write this letter today.
I guess by the time I made it to bed last night it was well after one o’clock in the morning; and I didn’t manage to escape the sexual activity. My husband pounced on me immediately; and it wasn’t a particularly pleasant experience for me. It went on for a little bit. I tried to endure it but eventually I had to ask him to continue later. Sometimes I do that hoping later will never happen; but later always happens. Later sometimes happens multiple other times throughout the night and that means I get very little sleep. If I went to bed at two o’clock last night that means I got 4 hours of sleep at the most because I’ve been awake since six o’clock this morning. And this is pretty much the standard. For going on almost a decade now 5-6 hours of sleep at night has been my average. Some people say 6 hours of sleep is enough; but I don’t know if that’s true. Yeah, I’ve managed to get by on that amount of sleep; but it’s taken a toll on my appearance; and it’s taken a toll on my mental health; and it certainly plays havoc with my emotions particularly at times when I have extra stress to deal with in my life.
Anyway, yesterday was a weird day for me. I plan to try to recover today. I have a lot of work to do where that is concerned. I have a lot of self talk in which I will need to engage to get certain thoughts and feelings out of my system. I’m still feeling depleted of emotional energy, but I think a lot of that is attributable to lack of sleep. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about the husband and the sex and all that stuff. I mean, I’m not happy about the way things are; but I don’t know if I have any legitimate reasons to feel resentful and irritated and disgusted and fed up and all those things I feel. I mean, my husband didn’t really do anything to me. I just don’t like his way, but that’s my issue. His way is his way. He is who he is. The responsibility is mine to either learn to accept who he is and live with his ways or to leave if I find that I can’t accept who he is and I can’t live with his ways. People don’t have to change to accommodate us. We have to accept them or not be involved with them if we can’t accept them.
I really need to get on top of my health. I need to be getting more sleep. I need to be drinking more water. I need to be trying a little harder to stay focused on my goals. I need to worry less about some of the things over which I allow myself to get upset. I need to start doing more and thinking less. Being a “deep thinker” is a good thing in many ways, but there is a danger in losing perspective of what “is” when you go too deep. Yes, there are layers and layers and layers under the surface of everything and everybody; and what “was” impacts on what “is”; but what was is past and it’s the “what is” that’s at issue, so it’s not always necessary to dig beneath the surface trying to figure out how something ended up being what it is. Sometimes you just have to accept things for what they are.
So I think I’m going to do myself a favor today and try to keep my focus on the things I need to get done and stop worry about what may or may not be going on with this or that person. I need to take care of myself. I keep worrying about everybody else when they are not worrying about me. And they shouldn’t be worrying about me. They should be worrying about themselves–taking care of themselves. That is the way it should be. And what’s ridiculous about me getting all worked up about the way of life and how unfair it can be is that the people on whose behalf I get upset are more balanced than I am as is evidenced by the fact that they have normal lives. I’m the one with mental and emotional problems. I need to be fully focused on fixing me.
I won’t make any declarations because some things might be out of my control; but my wish is to become fibroid free in 2014. I’ve already said I don’t think that can happen without a hysterectomy, or if my fibroids are small enough at this stage, undergoing a uterine fibroid embolization procedure.
Maybe natural remedies for shrinking fibroids really do work for other people who are out there claiming they got rid of their fibroids naturally; but I have been trying one remedy or another for several years and nothing has really worked. Some things have helped to make my stomach look a little smaller; but I continue to walk around with a stomach that gives me a pregnant appearance.
Last night I had the most wonderful dream. My fibroids disappeared. The dream was pretty convoluted. I mean, seriously disturbingly weird in many aspects; but at one stage it was the most wonderful dream ever because I was lying down in bed and I reached down to touch my stomach and discovered that my stomach was completely devoid of fibroids. It was flatter than any stomach is capable of being in reality. When I think about it, not only were the fibroids gone, so were all of my insides. That of course would not be the ideal situation. Some of the things in my stomach I need; but the fibroids being gone, that I can live with and would love. It’s too bad it’s not possible for fibroids to just up and disappear the same way they just appeared out of nowhere.
Not to have fibroids isn’t something a person needs to wish and hope upon like an impossible dream. I could have gotten rid of my fibroids back in 2007. I think it was 2007. I’m now getting things mixed up and not remembering what year it was when I first had the opportunity to get the hysterectomy; but I believe it was in 2007. I qualified for assistance getting the surgery under a vocational rehabilitation program; but I chickened out. I couldn’t go through with it. I got scared. I decided to try natural remedies for shrinking fibroids instead of getting my uterus removed to fix the problem.
Now it’s 2014. I wish I had been successful with my efforts at shrinking my fibroids naturally; but I have not been successful. And it occurs to me that I need to accept that none of the natural remedies for shrinking fibroids are going to work for me. It doesn’t mean they can’t work for someone else. I don’t want to believe that all the people who are out there claiming they were able to shrink their fibroids using natural remedies are being dishonest or otherwise misleading. I have to believe that it’s just one of those things where some people have success and others don’t; and unfortunately for me I am not one of those who had success. It’s not that things just completely didn’t work. I’d have to say that my situation was greatly improved; but the bottom line is, I still have the fibroids and my fibroids are still fairly large even if not as large as before.
If you’ve read my entries then you know I am no fibroids expert as far as knowing what works from what does not work to get rid of fibroids. I am just someone who is actively living with fibroids trying to manage my situation as best I can without money to afford any of the myriad products out there being marketed to us with promises that these products can shrink our fibroids or get rid of them altogether. I still don’t have health insurance and if I can’t afford to buy a $45 book that swears it contains the secret to get rid of my fibroids then you know I still cannot afford to pay $10,000 out of pocket for a hysterectomy.
To address the title of my post, “Does drinking chamomile tea with ginger and turmeric help or hurt fibroids”, I don’t really know the answer to the question, but I have been drinking chamomile tea with ginger and turmeric for the last couple of days, so if someone knows something about ginger, chamomile, or turmeric and the impact any of these would have on fibroids good or bad, please let me know.
My fibroids are pretty active right now and have been pretty active for a few months, and by pretty active I mean they are at a pretty prominent size. I had been managing them better in the earlier months of the year but since about April things have been out of control around here with everybody on edge so I haven’t been able to focus on myself and my health the way I need to.
Here’s a picture of what my stomach looks like right now. I took this picture today while doing some stretching.
I had a very uncomfortable night of sleep last night because of my fibroids, and I’ve awoken this morning still in discomfort. My stomach is pretty large right now so I know things are not right internally. I am going to try to avoid eating today and just drink tea to try and calm things down. I need to get back on track with focusing on my health but things are going to remain out of order on the home front for at least another 6 – 8 weeks and I don’t know what will be happening after that. We’re moving to a new state and have no idea what to expect when we get there and we’re in a mess financially.
Looking down at my stomach right now I’m inclined to think my fibroids are growing as I write. Maybe they thrive when fed chamomile, or ginger or turmeric, or some combination of the three.