I have just finished doing some stretches and taking some photos to use with this blog post. I have been going back and forth with myself trying to decide if I should post pictures that show my belly. It’s that fear of scrutiny thing. The fear of judgement and ridicule that made me tear up all my pictures when I was growing up (except for the ones in which I thought I looked good which was not very many).
Having a flat stomach was always important to me. There was a time I was doing one thousand situps per day to maintain my flat stomach. I have previously explained that I had serious body image issues for most of my life. I lived in fear of gaining an ounce or having a less than flat stomach, having a big behind (that wasn’t an asset at the time as it is now), having an inch of fat anywhere on my body. To be at this place in my life where I have fibroid tumors in my stomach that take away my control over my appearance is very difficult for me. My body has been altered by fibroids for quite a number of years now; yet I still have not gotten used to my new body. I’m self conscious about my stomach, even with my husband.
But it’s entirely possible that I won’t be getting back my flat stomach any time soon. I don’t think I’m going to have the courage to get a hysterectomy even if I eventually find myself with the means by which to do so. The more I think about it the more I panic. I’ve even been concerned that I won’t know what to do with myself if I got rid of the fibroids. That’s crazy, I know, but the thought did pass through my mind that I might find it hard to adjust to life without fibroids.
This is another photo from my stretching session earlier today. This is the photo I was trying to decide if I should share.
As you can see my current situation with the fibroids is that they are still present and quite prominent. In fact they appear larger than the last time I posted a photo of my fibroids. I’m inclined to believe that my situation is permanent, unless I get the hysterectomy. My stomach isn’t going to get flat. Maybe after menopause like they say but until then, this belly is a part of me. So the question I’m asking myself today is “Can I somehow learn to love my fibroid altered body”?
I don’t know if I can. I am hoping to go out into the world a lot more often this Spring and Summer as part of my life transformation plan. I know it’s better for me if I could develop an attitude where I simply don’t care what anyone thinks about the way I look. This way I won’t have to worry about trying to hide my stomach when I go outside. I really shouldn’t have to worry about that when all is said and done. It’s vain and silly and childish and pointless; but the reality of the matter is that vanity still plagues me. I want to look good and I want to feel good when I go out. It does wonders for the ego and my purpose is to try to build up myself after years of tearing myself down and allowing myself to be torn down. So it’s going to be difficult having this belly to deal with when the weather is too warm for big coats. But I do have the belly; so I think that I had better try to learn how to love this altered body. Because then I won’t feel like it’s something I need to hide for fear of shame.
