I am in the middle of my third day of avoiding solids. My aim is to avoid solids for the next 7 days. I’m not sure if I’ll make it. I’ve felt like aborting so many times today; and I still have up to 5 more hours to play with before I call it a day, unless I fall asleep early. Right now I’m drinking a bottle of GNC Total Lean Swiss Chocolate protein shake to help get me through the next few hours. I had one for breakfast and for lunch I had a couple bowls of blended lentil and butternut squash soup. The soup wasn’t all that great, but I needed a break from the chocolate protein shakes. I’m not blending fruits or leafy greens or any of the usual. This isn’t a juice fast. I’m just staying away from solid food for a few days.
Cut to 8:46 PM
I took a break to go dance and workout. Tried to snap a few pics of the process but my camera is low grade and the lighting in the apartment isn’t great. On top of that, I’ve gained a few pounds since my last fast in April and I find myself feeling afraid to share pictures of myself with thicker thighs, thicker arms and a bigger butt, which is quite a shame and a major contradiction of everything I want to stand for. It’s just that, there are always going to be people in your life who don’t ever get beyond the need to take notice of how fat or how skinny you are, how beautiful or how ugly. But I can’t live my life in fear of these people and what they think. If I’m too thick for their liking whatever. I want to love myself no matter what my size. I don’t want to only love myself when I’m skinny. I don’t want to look at my thicker thighs and my thicker arms and my bigger butt and feel like I want to die. I’m not a bleeping teenager anymore. I’m a grown woman and I don’t want to be so pathetic as to actually feel ashamed to look healthy and strong instead of sickly and thin. But it’s a process and anyone who has suffered with body image issues (seriously suffered) will know that this isn’t just the vapid talk of a self-absorbed narcissist. I’ll be thought of as vapid, self absorbed and a narcissist by some people no matter what I say or do. The point is, body image issues run a lot deeper than the surface. And I’m not pretending like I don’t still have major issues; but I don’t want to embrace them like they are something good to have.
So here is a picture I took of myself having fun dancing to Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard For Her Money”. Why the sexy picture? Why not? This is about me and my life and trying to have fun and loving myself–feeling good about who I am–being myself–not being ashamed and most importantly not apologizing to anyone for being me because they think that I am something they cannot like based solely on the assumptions they make about me because of what they see and read on my blog. I’ve gone a lifetime allowing people to make me feel like I’m nothing. People have made me feel ugly. They have made me feel like I’m not good enough to be liked, to be loved or to be admired. So excuse me if I chose to give myself the attention and admiration I do not receive and have never really gotten from another human being. Somebody’s gotta love me right?
And here’s another picture I took today while pushing around a cart packed with about 60 pounds of weight. A few laps around the living room pushing this cart while running and it feels like I ran laps around the lake. These days, every time I start to feel a little overwhelmed I get up and do a few sets. It helps considerably.
Cut to 9:40PM
I was thinking earlier while I was dancing that I can’t remember ever seeing my mother dance. Maybe I just don’t remember. It’s hard to imagine I could be as much like her as they say and she doesn’t dance. Maybe she did dance but did it when she was alone and no one was watching like I do. Dancing is so much a part of who I am. I love to dance. I haven’t been dancing lately though. I may have had some moments here and there but it’s been a while since I’ve put on my toe shoes. I think maybe I’ll get up and go put on my toe shoes now and see if I have anything left.
Cut to 10:10PM
So I got up and for 2 minutes I pretended I was a ballerina. I am not really a ballerina; but I’ve been pretending to be one since I was a young teen. I bought my first pair of toe shoes when I was a teenager. It was a very embarrassing experience because I knew nothing about toe shoes. I just knew I wanted a pair. So I went to Capezios in Manhattan one Saturday to buy a pair (One of my sisters accompanied me). I made a fool out of myself; but at least I got my toe shoes. Lots of embarrassment would follow–like when I took my toe shoes with me to school and a real dancer asked me why I was using them when they weren’t even broken in yet. I had no idea what she was talking about.
Interpreting Neil Diamond’s “The Story of My Life” June 5th 2014
When I was dancing tonight I felt so beautiful. I don’t mean beautiful in terms of looks. I felt true and my truth was beautiful. If only it could always be that way.
