Another Sunday morning in the life

There have been times in my life when I was fearless enough to do what I had to do…

Hello, good morning, how are you? I am doing well at this moment. I am still waiting to have my appointment on the 3rd of February to schedule the hysterectomy. In case you haven’t read my previous posts, I went in for a CT scan on the 20th of January, and the results were concerning. According to what I have been told, there are indications that in addition to the fibroids I could have a very large mass originating from my ovary which could be malignant. In other words, I could have ovarian cancer, but there is no way to get an official diagnosis without performing a surgical evaluation.

So I have no choice other than to get the hysterectomy I’ve been trying to avoid. Mine would be a complete hysterectomy removing ovaries etc. Needless to say things have been unsettled since. I go through moments of panic at the thought, but I am working consciously every day at trying to keep myself under control.

Each day has it’s up moments and it’s down moments. The down moments usually happen when I start to experience things that could possibly be symptoms. These are things I’ve experienced for a while now but I did not have any reason to think twice about them. Now, every time I feel a little uncomfortable my mind starts filling up with thoughts that lead to fear and my mood takes a downward spiral. But I think that I am doing pretty well as far as maintaining some semblance of calm and reason. After all, there is only a “concern” that I might have ovarian cancer. It is entirely possible that I don’t. So why should I chose to spend the time while waiting to find out living in fear and panic at the thought that I “might”.

I need to keep reminding myself that I wasn’t feeling unwell before getting the CT scan results. My primary concerns were other test results that seemed to indicate I could have another concerning health problem not related to my uterus. Physically I was feeling fine. 2015 was a good year for the most part. So much so that I was able to neglect this blog for 6 months. My body wasn’t causing me any issues that I felt the need to write about. I was having fun. My stomach wasn’t flat but it was small enough that I could belt my waist. I had every reason to believe things were improving.

So to be told that the mass has actually grown in size since the previous CT scan a year ago has been disappointing. And the growth isn’t small. But I want to believe that the explanation lies in the way they measure the mass. When I went in for the CT scan this last time I was just days from my cycle starting and my stomach was enlarged. I want to believe their method for measuring the mass is to go from where it appears to begin and ends going vertically and horizontally. And in my experience with these monsters in my stomach, they are sometimes pushing out further across (horizontally) and further up (vertically) than usual. Typically during the lead up to my cycle).

I know I seem to be grasping at strings; but I believe there are a lot of x-factors that come into play in the reality of living with these tumors that don’t come into play when you’re at the doctor and they’re running tests on you and interpreting the test results.

But I have made up my mind that this is not something with which I can any longer take chances. I have to get the surgical evaluation. I’ll leave it at that.

Peace and good health to all.