I have decided to start living my life. For me that is going to be a long and involved process. I have not been living my life since I was nine years old. I’ve been in a daze and just basically going wherever life has taken me. I guess that’s really all anyone ever does is just goes where-ever life takes them; but it’s a little bit different in my case. Today I decided that I was going to start a new journey. This isn’t the first time I’ve decided to start a new journey. Maybe the reason I never actually make it very far on any of my journeys is that I’ve never once clearly outlined where I intend to go and how I intend to get there and what I intend to do once I arrive. If that’s the case, then I guess I might be destined for failure yet again, because I have not made a plan for my journey this time around either. I’ve just decided I’m going to take some chances and do some things I know some people are going to advise me against doing. But that’s just the thing.
I’ve been living my life trying to avoid doing things that will make people look at me funny or laugh at me or otherwise condemn and criticize me. My fear of these things has been so crippling that I have been hiding away from the world for the better part of my adult life. And even before I became an adult I was always ashamed of everything about myself and trying to hide myself away. I remember I would cut myself out of pictures because I was ashamed of my looks. I wouldn’t sing out loud even though I wanted to sing out loud because I was too self conscious. I wouldn’t dance in front of people. And these are all things that lie at the heart of me–interests and passions that I have suppressed for fear of shame that people would judge me unfavorably. I wanted to be somebody special but no one seemed to think I was special; and I let this get to me to the point where I grew to hate myself and to think of myself as being worth nothing. I was very much at conflict with myself as a little girl, as a young woman, and sad to say I have remained at conflict with myself my whole life. I have wanted to “be”, but I have not been able to allow myself to be whatever I have wanted to be because I have been afraid of people–afraid of being mocked, and laughed at, and talked about, and put down, and belittled and shamed.
I’ve lived an agoraphobic lifestyle for the last couple of decades. I wouldn’t be shocked if it turned out that in 20 years I have been out in public less than 365 times. I have been existing inside the walls of wherever I have lived, interacting only with the people who live there with me or with family when they visit; and I have only been whatever I am to each person–mother, wife, daughter, sister, aunt–I have had no identity for such a long time. I have been too afraid to just be me. I’m not even sure I know who I am. After all I have been hiding for so long, shutting myself up, restricting my own freedoms. Everything I have ever loved to do I stopped doing. I stopped writing. I stopped painting. I stopped dancing. I stopped singing. I stopped wanting anything. I stopped dreaming. I stopped caring.
It might turn out that it’s too late to fix all the damage I’ve done to myself. I have so much to overcome.
I promise I’m not a stalker! Lol It’s just that I only recently found your blogs, and this one sounds like I wrote it! I’m shocked.
No worries EL. I appreciate your comments and finding them today was a much needed sign pointing me in the right direction. So thank you. 🙂